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My girlfriend of 8 years admitted she cheated on me with a close friend (messy)

So, since I'm here I suppose I should give some backstory. This will probably get lengthy so ill put a tl;dr at the bottom.
I (M/23) started dating my (ex)girlfriend (We'll call her C; F/23) since sophomore year in high school. We were the textbook "high school sweethearts". Fast forward thru 6 years of good, bad and everything in between; having 2 two kids and dealing with a miscarriage, etc... we essentially were a married couple without the title, and we pretty much operated as such. (ironically enough i was planning on proposing to her the week after d-day..)
Now the last year or so me and C had been hanging out with one of my close friends (we'll call him J) and his girlfriend (S); who also have two kids together. Me and J had known each other for years, but hadn't talked much recently so it was cool to catch up; and S and my girlfriend C became friends quickly, as well as our children. At this point we are like family to each other, we went on vacations together, playdates, babysat for each other etc.
Now, the past few months before d-day, C started to show telltale signs of cheating (now that I look back).. but due to the fact that she has severe bipolar disorder which she is prescribed medication for (but she did not take it regularly), it was hard for me to fully gauge what was going on; because manic depressive episodes can exhibit wild symptoms that eerily align with cheating behavior (i know, i pick em great right). So I was concerned; but moreso for her mental well being, than for what I was about to discover in the near future.
Here's where things get hairy.
(D-Day) So I get ready leave the house to do uber eats. I do this part time to pay the bills, I've been learning to trade forex for the last few months so I needed something that could free up time. Anyway, before I leave C asks me for a kiss, I kiss her and the kids and then I head out... No less than 20 minutes after I left, I check my phone and see a string of messages from C, and then I get a call from her. When I answer the phone she's already crying. She tells me that about two months ago her and J fucked. She tells me that J told her I would run off and fuck other girls and meet up with them on some dating app on my phone. None of which is true, for the record. He essentially fed her a bunch of bullshit, and she blindly accepted it as truth. She claims she fucked him to get "revenge" at me for everything I ever "did" (even though as far as infidelity goes, I did nothing). C destroyed our relationship, family, and her friendship with S, all off of hearsay. J helped mastermind it all, and also destroyed our friendship, along with his relationship with S. Worst part is, I was hitting J up the 2 weeks before D-Day to chill, and he wouldn't even respond. Making me look like an even bigger clown. I reacted in pure rage, said some things I probably shouldn't have in the heat of the moment, and then told her to get her shit out of my house.
She of course at this point is hysterical and is screaming through tears for me to not leave her, that she wants to save our family, that it only happened once and there was no feelings involved beyond her trying to get back at me. At this point though I just don't know if I can believe it. both C and J disrespected me to the ABSOLUTE highest level, not only me but also S. They orchestrated a whole plan to make it happen and then hid it for 2 months. She did also come to me and admit it on her own. Not that that excuses it AT ALL, but my thinking is, in reality I could've found out in worse ways than her direct admission.
I'm so torn here reddit. I love this girl to death, and want nothing more than to save our family. I grew up in a split home and i saw and heard things I shouldn't have, and i remember the depression i went through during that time.. i dont want that for my kids..
BUT I also know that I've NEVER been betrayed like this before in my life, not only by an SO but a friend as well. I'm completely heartbroken, and I've had hurt in the past but I've never felt true heartbreak like I do right now. Im doing my best to avoid contacting her, but we have two kids so it makes it really hard at times.. ive been learning to focus on me, but I have to literally keep my mind preoccupied 110% of the time, or I start to go into the same thought loops about this whole situation :(.
Do I give the love of my life a second chance after something like this? For the sake of my family? I know I have zero trust for her, and i understand that if we EVER were to rekindle something in the future, it will be a long time, if ever before the pain goes away. it will not be the same as before, we will be starting from scratch. I just would like advice on if there's anything worth saving or not.
If so, what signs should I be looking for thats shes actually invested in making things right?
If not, how do i start this healing process and begin to move on from an 8 year investment and a now dysfunctional family? Because I'm so fucking lost right now guys.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end, I dropped tears writing this and any advice is appreciated.
**UPDATE 9/20
C is out out the house now. Ironically she's already moved into a new apartment. I'm not dumb and I know 9 times out of 10 you don't just find an new apartment in a single day.. maybe my paranoia but probably not honestly. Ive been avoiding contact with her beyond child related things.
I tried to contact S, but Ironically her phone was broken in the fight her and J had... she tried to message me on Facebook the night I found out to help her move her daughter dressed into a storage unit, but I was physically weak and couldn't even think of what to say in response at that time. Not that she did anything wrong at all. At this point S has removed herself from Facebook so I'm trying to figure out another way to get ahold of her to try to get extra insight. Will post another update if/when I get more details.
C tried to "shit test" me today, and since we're now apart i could see it blind as day. She FaceTimed me, I normally would've ignored but i can see my daughter on the preview so i answer. C claims the kids wanted to talk to me, but they seemed relatively uninterested when I tried. Which no big deal, but its what came next that was so weird. What im talking about is her making a comment on a new vape i just got. How it was "so cool" and she wanted to see me take a drag off it again. This is significant only because I KNOW from being with her for 8 years that it turns her on to see me do smoke tricks. That's just always been her. On top of that, she kept taking the camera off the kids, and trying to talk to me about things that happened in her day indirectly. I kept it brief and told her i was busy before she could drag it on.. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? This is fucking with my head even more now..
ALSO today I was working on music and I went into my downloads folder and noticed something called "J's App". Its date modified is 8/11. This lines up with the timeline C gave me which made me sick to my stomach. I open it, fully prepared to find some type of cynical cheating app they were using to sneak around on me with...
Turns out its an application for some ged boot camp for high-school drop outs. This girl had the NERVE to let this fucking bum use my laptop to apply for this shit?! I now certainly question the length of their relationship and the details behind it. For now, im going to continue with space and avoiding contact but I will be sitting down with C next week to lay everything on the table. Full truths, full openness, adult discussion no kid games. At that point ill either have closure to know the truth (or as much as I can get of it), or know if there's any chance of redemption, which at this point has went from 25% to 5%.
Thank you all sooo much for your advice and support during this; Alot of hard pills to swallow right now but its what I need. You guys are foreal a family to me and I will be here to support anyone here, new or old thats ever had to feel the way i feel right now.
Tl;dr my girlfriend of 8 years and mother of my 2 kids had an ONS with my friend, who is(was) dating her best friend. Now she wants to work things out
submitted by iknowalotaboutdrugs to survivinginfidelity [link] [comments]

The Last Time I Write Another One of These Cringey Things (I hope...): Part 2892, The Worst Sequel and Wall of Text, ever

Hiya, folks...! It's another wall of text from some random person who could be doing just about anything else except for this... Who's ready for some paragraphs from some stranger?
I know you'd rather be doing anything else, or maybe not haha.. But it does mean a lot if you do take the time to try to attempt to accurately type me... I will DEFINITELY NOT overthink it this time, and take your consideration FULLY to heart, and stop overthinking my MBTI type and live happily ever after! (Hahahahhaha...! ... ...)
...
Ok, let's begin!

I am a freshly 23 year old male that likes to do average Redditor bullcrap. Video games, memes, music, making my finger go up and down endlessly while staring at a glass LED screen with pixels on it while feeling like I've accomplished nothing. Just average stuff, I suppose. I'm not really that interesting tbh...
I work at home and I am just "vibing", as the kids say. I have some long term projects planned, but I'm at least trying to rest up from a really shitty 7 years that I've had back to back to back so... Nothing really insightful to write here haha..
Likely several... I had a very traumatic childhood that I constantly gaslight myself about like saying things like "it wasn't that bad, people have it worse" and much worse..
I disassociate from reality every 2.5 seconds, can't focus, have terrible insomnia, EXTREMELY low energy, mood swings, brain fog, random body pains 24/7, seventeen billion repressed emotions which don't help out anything else that I'm dealing with, memory problems, and I need caffeine to do the bare minimum of just about anything on most days, but some of that could be average American problems.
I've suspected I have some form as Aspergers, and probably A TON of mental illnesses, such as OCD, anxiety, depression, and maybe a personality disorder.
My upbringing is a very mixed bag overall. I would not say I had a typically "tragic" childhood (there goes me gaslighting myself LOL) because people have DEFINITELY had it worse than me. But I can't sit here and pretend everything I went through was "normal". To attempt to sum it up, I basically was a "gifted" kid who got good grades throughout school and maintained my image of being this perfect kid, but meanwhile in the shadows, I was just slowly dying inside and suffering from a lot of imposter syndrome (amongst other things), which I'd definitely would say is warranted because I was NOT cut out for anything in school and it showed. I basically faked my way through school, got burnt out EARLY but got mega burnt out by senior year, and basically started college with no plan but somehow still managed to graduate (barely) and just kinda end up where I am now.
As far as a religious upbringing is concerned, I definitely was heavily influenced by religion, in kind of a negative way (?) Religion and I have a VERY weird relationship. On the one hand, I guess I love my religious friends, the lessons I learned from it, and a lot of what it says, but on the other hand I can not ever be a part of one mostly because of some of the dogmatic thinking and extremely toxic aspects to it that people use to justify hate and violence, and that's not really my type of thing. Also, I used to be really kinda "uppity" or arrogant about my religion, and now I DESPISE seeing the same type of "holier than thou" attitude projected. It kinda irks me on the inside.
Looking back, my response to it all was a major polarity shift from one extreme, to the other, and now where I'm at, I can look back at both sides and take the good from both. What do I mean by that? Welllllll... I mentioned earlier how I can't stand the "holier than thou" type, and for a while, that was DEFINITELY me. I was REALLY into it and took it extremely serious. I wouldn't mind being called "lame" or "whack" for having my faith, but looking back, it really made my quality of life kinda worse because I did have those strong beliefs and those off-putting characteristics that ostracized me from my peers and some potentially great experiences. I grew out of this and then became an EXTREME atheist, and for a while, it felt freeing. I felt better, smarter, edgier, and just superior, but looking back, I was just cynical and a total asshole, and arguably worse than the "holier than thou douche persona" that I had growing up. Luckily, my extreme atheism phase kinda fizzled out after some other trauma that happened around the time I became an atheist, and now, I can respect religion and be open to it, the ideas, and the amazing things that come from it while also maintaining my independent thinking but not to the point of being "hur dur be skeptical and point out everything wrong with religion all the time and be an asshole for no reason to religious people", if that makes any sense.
As far as my relationship to the structure in my life.. It's kind of a mixed bag. I had a pretty suffocated childhood, and I wasn't allowed certain things, but I guess it wasn't really all that bad in the end, or at least as it could've been. Most of this was just protection from a single parent who just didn't want anything to me and wanted me to be the best I could be in life, and I can respect this and look back on some parts of my structured childhood with fondness. But I most certainly got sick of it all by the time I was almost finished with highschool and in a lot of my college career. I basically used to be Mr. Structured. I had everything organized, I was neat, clean, got everything done at the right time, all the good stuff. But my brain just got tired of maintaining that forever, because I was already pretty much bad at life, but I was forced to just continue faking everything until something happened. So, by the end of high school, I lost all of those characteristics and became extremely sloppy. But I really do blame that on being physically tired. Being as organized as I was was TAXING because of how I overdid it. And now, thinking back, a lot of my structuredness was just on the surface level, and it was me trying to live up to everyone's standards and be just on top of everything, all the time, at a VERY unhealthy level, and that's probably what burnt me out too. I was addicted to the image of being this extremely put together person who has their shit together, while not having absolutely any shit to get together because I was withering away inside faster than fresh cotton candy from the fair melts in your mouth when your mouth is dry.
So, basically to sum it all up, I was a really clean cut religious smart "gifted" kid who wasn't really that, at all (AND I still don't know who I am now tbh haha) and I got tired of putting on that image all the time and turned to a dirty neckbeard atheist cynic for a short time, and then balanced out to whatever the fuck I am now because I wear 238234 different masks for each and every occasion, but THAT'S a different story haha.. I look back at both equally cringey and horrible chapters of my life with some scorn for myself and the times, but overall a much more understand a balanced perspective, because I had to go through it all to be me, and I'm just glad I can be here now. I'd say I definitely liked moments from those chapters, but overall, I'm much happier where I'm at now, which is not nearly as anally obsessive at the concept of being structured and not nearly as hyper-faithful to my religion or just a total asshole piece of shit atheist.
Right now, I'm sorta half employed. I do trade a bit on the Forex markets from signals groups and make enough to help out my family, and buy myself things here and there. I'm only really doing this because I went through a really shitty 7 years and I just need time to myself to kind of figure out, A LOT (clearly, as you can see by reading this HORRIBLE reddit post LOL) and rest. I just like the amount of freedom I have, and the money. I really like the idea of me having money saved and ready for any emergency, or family member or friend. I just need money to help out, stay safe, and to have time for myself to rest and take care of my health, or just pursue all the hobbies I missed out on, and I'm totally fine doing this the rest of my life. I don't really need or want that much in life, and I've always kind of been like this. I just want things to be peaceful and simple, so that my mind can be at ease and to just have free time for myself and a solution for any random chaotic emergency that happens because my mind always thinks of the worst that can happen by catastrophizing literally everything ever in the world. So my "career" is just a means to an end, like I'm sure a lot of people's careers are, unless you happen to have a passion or something, which is also amazing.
I do like writing, and I do wanna finish my book. I daydream a lot about it, and sometimes that's much more fun than actually writing it, but I do wanna finish it, but I also want it to be absolutely perfect and plothole free, and much more. I also wanna do YouTube and Twitch, but I feel like I have a lot to do as a person before I can freely be on those sites as a full person/"influencer" (I have so many mixed feelings about having a full time career as an influencer and having my life under that much pressure and scrutiny, BUTTTTT that's a different discussion...), so I might pursue those slowly or just freestyle it for fun. Those were my big dreams as a kid, but growing up, I see that writing a good book is damned hard (worth it, but hard) and being a Youtubesocial media star is a different world entirely, and I don't know how I feel about it. Like, I know I'd never be a Shane Dawson (YIKES) or Cryaotic (EWWWWW) but to even just disappoint one person, or have any sort of fuckup, or.. I don't know where I'm going with this... Basically, everything I suffer from now would only be amplified by having a YouTube career, my people pleasing tendencies, my over obsession with being perfect for others/myself, my workaholic tendencies, my being hard on myself, my fear of fucking anything up, and my imposter syndrome, those would all go BRRRRRR if I got any decent success on YouTube, so... *Phew*
That's my weird relationship with my life, and where I wanna go with it. To be honest, I'd be happy where I'm at right now, because at the end of the day, as long as I'm healthy and my family is happy, I'm ok, but a part of me also wants to live out those big dreams like having my book be a thing and animated, and being a good YouTuber, meme maker, Twitch streamer, all the above at the same time but my insecurities are like "BWAHAHAHAHA", so I'm just like: -_- But I'll figure it out! Hopefully..
Hm... Interesting question. Honestly, I'd never feel lonely on weekends by myself. Even when my friends are doing better things or aren't around, I don't really feel lonely I guess. Most of the time I have weekends alone, I feel pretty refreshed I suppose. It's kinda hard to tell haha.. This feels more like a circumstantial question where a myriad of things that are going on during the hypothetical week or just in my life/mind would determine this answer. Sometimes I just need that weekend to recharge and be alone and in my thoughts, or watching Netflix or being an absolute video game degenerate while dancing alone in my room and eating junk food. And sometimes, I like to be out and about with my friends, or just doing stuff. I probably lean more towards refreshed though, overall in a general sense.
BIG YIKES. I feel like a non human that doesn't belong on this planet or universe 99% of the time. I'm VERY slow, awkward movements, jittery, sometimes it looks like I was born yesterday with my grasp on physical reality, but yet, I do interestingly enough find myself loving to sweat and workout. I don't really have the coordination for any type of real sport, but I do like walks and I would run if I lived in an area where I could have a private or peaceful run where I would not be interrupted or seen by anyone because I look HIDEOUS running. I won't say I could never get into running at a professional or serious level, like with a group, but I'd just say it's more unlikely, for now. It sounds really exciting and interesting to be good at something physical, and I have always admired people who could do really sick stuff in sports, and I've always wanted to do it. But, right now, my uncoordinated ass will stick to just riding my exercise bike occasionally to burn off some restlessness and help me sleep betteperform better because working out makes my brain feel oddly stable lol. (I guess that's why I have such a fascination with physical stuff even though I am absolutely hopeless in most of it in the grand scheme of things)
I don't know if I'd say I'm curious, I guess I just think a lot. Like, I'll see something or watch something and daydream about it all the time, making new ideas out of it in my head or creating something new with it, trying to take it a new level or understand it at a different level, if that makes sense. Like, I'll sort of mentally digest something and that's what gives me inspiration, or ideas. I take in everything as I go and make up new shit with it later on (LOL this sounds like regular human being talk, because everyone does this).
I would say I have a lot of ideas on everything. I daydream about random chapters in my book a lot, like full on scenes. I'll daydream about a new melody for a song I've never heard with lyrics, and I'll try to make lyrics in my head and extend the melody. I'll daydream about my interactions in life, and just how I could have responded differently, or maybe what the other person is thinking, or feeling, or stuff like I wonder if they're okay. I'll daydream about new memes I can make, or me in an interview (OMG MEGA CRINGE ROFL). I pretty much daydream about... Everything. And then I'll daydream about what I'm daydreaming about, and why I'm doing it, and it gets too meta at that point. (this could very well just be maladaptive daydreaming and NOT indicative of any cognitive function ROFL)
Nope, nuh uh. I am too much of a people pleaser and pushover. I'd be dead or betrayed before my first week is over. The thing about me is that generally, I feel like I'd be a terrible leader because I can overthink a lot, all the time, and I'd be slow to action and prone to analysis paralysis and extreme people pleasing tendencies. I can also be conflict avoidant, and just want people to be happy, so I'd let a lot of stuff slide that I maybe should not. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be firm and tough when needed, but eventually that'd be too much for me to bear, and I couldn't be in a position like that for long. I genuinely hope I never become a leader, because even when I'm looking back to five minutes ago, I can say that "ew, that's cringe bro", so I clearly have a lot of work to do before I have something that serious on my plate.
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Funny question. But.. Yeahhhhhhh... No. I am NOT coordinated. I can barely walk in my kitchen without the fear of me accidentally turning wrong or moving incorrectly and just breaking something or knocking over everything in the kitchen. SOMETIMES I'm in James Bond mode, and it feels like I can do anything physical, and I feel aware of everything, my body, my surroundings, and I can actually move like a human being, but that usually doesn't last long. I can do just the bare minimum that an average human can do, but MUCH MUCH worse and at a greater cost of my energy, and my mental energy trying not to fuck anything up because I have literally just been sitting at times and barely move and knock over EVERYTHING somehow, because that's just how much my body was not meant to be on planet earth and I maybe should have been incarnated as a slug, idk.
I'd describe myself as artistic, even if I haven't drawn in years LOL. But let me explain... I do still have a love for it, I just haven't really been able to practice. In general, my art is just aiming for whatever is in my brain, and I don't have a solid style. I'm just going for whatever I'm going for in the moment. I prefer a mix of realism with some "quirks", if that makes sense. While I haven't drawn in a while, this is how I'd imagine I'd want my art to look nowadays. Pretty realistic with perfect everything, perfect features, perfect environment or whatever I'm illustrating or going for (perfect features on a person, all the hair strands drawn individually, etc), with a mix of my own little "spice", if that makes sense. Back in the day, my art was just trying to copy classic anime, and while I have no problem with that style, I just wanna kinda make my own style, even if that is hard to verbalize lmao.
Alright guys.. I would write more, but I'm sleepy and some of this is getting dumb/boring (as if it wasn't already LOL). I'm glad you made it this far, and thank you for reading and putting up with this actual garbage fire of a post. Please take care of yourselves during these crazy weird times, and I hope you are doing well. I look forward to reading you guys responses (if I get any LOL).
Stay amazing, and stay healthy :3
submitted by big_throwaway___ to MbtiTypeMe [link] [comments]

Beware, traders. How I tripled my net worth and lost it all within 1 month on Binance Futures.

To start, I'll introduce myself. I'm a 19-year-old college student and I've been investing in cryptocurrency and trading forex for the last 3 years. I was drawn to trading for all the wrong reasons. I wanted fast money. I wanted a thrill. I wanted to gamble.
In mid-July, I invested in Swipe (SXP). The DeFi craze was just getting started and SXP seemed like a front-runner with an amazing project. I bought a small amount around $0.60 and watched it triple within a week or two. Yet, at $1.80, people still thought the token was heavily undervalued, including me. This is when I decided to first try out Binance Margin and Futures.
Futures are very similar to leverage trading on forex, so I felt semi-comfortable with what I was doing. I spent about $400 to open up a 7000 SXP long near $1.40 during a flash dip. For those of you that followed SXP, I'm sure you know what happened. My position went green immediately and never looked back. Over the next 2 weeks, SXP climbed to just over $5. I held my position the entire time. At its peak, my $400 worth of margin was worth $27,000. I was euphoric. It was the most money, by far, I'd ever had in my life. I started dreaming of achieving financial independence before 20.
But then, SXP started going down. Fast. I closed out at $4.20, sitting on around $22k. And what did I do? I immediately opened up another long. A much larger position. I wanted to reach 6 figures on this run. I got liquidated quickly, bought back in at $4, then $3.70, then $3.50. All liquidated. I decided to throw my last $14,000 on a 22,000 SXP long. And once that got liquidated too, I was about $8,000 underwater. Not only did I lose all my paper profit, but I also lost the majority of the money I had been saving for years.
I was crushed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I started transferring whatever money I could get my hands on into my futures account. I started being reckless, hoping to hit big again like before. I became more reckless with my money than I ever have and quickly lost that too. This time the losses felt different. I was numb to them. My $1000 losses felt like nothing compared to what I had already lost, even though that $1000 was now a bigger % of my net worth than it ever had been.
In summary, my greed got the best of me. And I lost so much that I didn't give a shit about anything anymore. I hope this story will help other traders avoid the mistakes I made.
Btw, I opened up one last long at $1.70. Gonna ride it up to $8.
https://imgur.com/a/bbOY76i
https://imgur.com/a/fevkZxV
submitted by gray_13 to Daytrading [link] [comments]

I ruined my career as a music artist. The years are passing by and the amount of regret and guilt are eating me alive.

Hello everyone.
First of all thank you for reading this and giving attention to my story I'm about to share. I want to mention this is a throwaway account because I feel shy talking about this subject. It is something personal to me.
To give you some quick background information about what's going on: - I'm currently 27 years old while my "career" has ended 7 years ago. In all this time in between, I've had the desire to achieve something similar but so far without the success I had imagined.

Here we go...
  1. When I was 12 years old, I had the desire to become an artist (a DJ/Electronic music artist). I had tons of ambition and motivation and had set my goal for life. From that point in my life I kept pursuing it and put in the hard work to achieve it. It was literally the thing that kept me awake at night. I imagined and visualized my dream of standing on a stage in front of 10k people and playing my own music. I visualized one of my idols supporting me and my music. That was the person I looked up to, the guy who sparkled my fire and inspired me to achieve something similar.
  2. Years went by where I got laughed at on every online forum possible. My music sucked, I was too confident about my thing and people basically told me it was pure shit haha. Yet it did not stop me from pursuing my dream. I was the little kid amongst older guys being better at this music production thing. It was fun to be honest. After 3 or 4 years, when I was around 16 my music got noticed by someone bigger than myself. My music started to get noticed by local clubs and "famous" DJ's. They started playing it every single week in clubs and reached out to me. That's where it all began. Somebody I looked up to emailed me and wanted to make a song together. That's what opened many doors for me. Eventually, it led to releasing (and distributing) a real song under my name and having more support and plays as I wished for.
  3. After a few more musical releases, I got approached again. This time by one of the biggest artists within this scene. I had the luck this scene was very local and everything happened in my country. So we met up. I was a shy little kid who took the train to cross the country to meet one of my idols. This was a big day. I felt like the luckiest and happiest kid alive. A dream coming true. My dream of being a star and realizing my goals didn't seem far away.
  4. Things went well from this point. It took some time but eventually near the time I graduated I was ready and settled to make this my business and job. I was happy, around 18 years old. And I was playing shows around the globe and earning a nice amount of money per booking. The fans and "likes" kept coming in and it seemed like I established some sort of fanbase. This was the life I imagined. My goal seemed reached and I was happy.
  5. As I grew older I started to become a bit more pessimistic or perfectionistic.. or both. There are a lot of fake things going on in the music business and I was not the type of artist who likes to play along with that. I felt real. I spoke real (to my fans, on my social media pages, etc), and I acted that way. I want to mention that at this same period of my life, my family was putting some sort of pressure on me that I should find a part-time job for some extra income. Since I didn't play shows every week, I didn't generate a stable income doing music alone. Yet this was the goal, and this was perfectly possible as almost everyone in my crew was making a living from this. I want to mention that "my crew" was my record label / booking agency where I was part of. I kept believing that this was possible but due the pressure and stress my family gave me I think I started to doubt myself at some point. Although I was living my dream and touring the world, my family didn't push or believe it enough so they would suggest me to find a parttime job. I hated that. Every time they brought that up it made me annoyed because I just wanted to focus on my career and because I knew I could pull this off.
  6. My career was still in a good line at that time. It was also the time I was smoking cannabis. I became an addict. It was something I did on a daily basis and I think it had a negative impact on my behavior and work ethic to produce music. It also had an impact on my social media posts and thoughts about the music industry.
  7. Eventually, everything let to the point where I made a social media post which my label and booking agency didn't like, at all. It was so "off-track" for them that they decided to cancel some of my bookings for that upcoming summer. My post was about justice, and I shared some of my thoughts on the "fake" aspect of this music business because it made me extremely annoyed how people could achieve the same things putting in less work than I did (friends, connections, money..). As my label and booking agency supported those fake activities as well, they were kind of pissed that I shared those honest words in front of my fans online.
  8. Since I was a honest person, stubborn, and perfectionistic, I was like "fuck this" and basically never made contact again with them. Eventually this led to my last booking and then my career died. To this day (7 years later), I still get spotify plays from those old songs, and I still get messages every now and then of people asking what happened and why I stopped making this music.
  9. I would like to mention that my interest for that specific genre was fading away near the time I made that post on my social media. Don't get me wrong, obviously, I would've loved to keep doing it as my job. But personally it just wasn't touching me that much anymore as there were other genres that started to appeal to me more.

Here is an important thing I remember telling my dad at the age of 20, after destroying my career and right before starting some labour work which I absolutely hated. "Dad, I'm going to do this job maximum 3 months before I'm off on another musical adventure in another style!".
So far 7 years have passed hopping jobs and not saving a lot of money. It's only been 2 years I finally been able to quit smoking cannabis. I have made tons of songs in all those years, and removed tons of songs completely from my computer because I hate them at some point and I get angry because of everything.
I get a few plays a month on Spotify with my new musical project but it never really took off. I decided to abandon my previous name and start from scratch because I didn't want any connection to my older project. The closest I got to achieving something big was another famous artist reaching out because he liked one of my songs, but eventually it led to nothing (unfortunately).
I have not played a single show as my new project and haven't got close to being successful or making this my job, at all.
As the years are passing by and I'm slowly starting to realize I'm no longer the "golden boy" (aka the little 13 year old kid with big dreams) it starts to eat me and devastate me mentally. It's a big part of my life and the dream is still alive but it feels like the fire or belief that I will get there is slowly fading away.
There have barely been days that I did not make music but no matter how much I produce or whatever genre or style I try, it doesn't seem to take off.
At this point, and for the last year, or 2-3 years, it has become worse.. I highly doubt every step I take and I feel like I cannot make any decision at all for my musical path anymore. I changed my artist name multiple times and even while writing this post I still think the name isn't good enough and I should start another project from scratch. I basically like a lot of genres and I can't seem to make a choice on what I really wanna go after. The musical world has exploded so much with social media and everything right after my career died and there just seems to be too much choice and things going on. I cannot seem to find the right path and I can't find my fire and ambition like I had when I was younger.
Every now and then I still look back at my musical colleagues which I abandoned 7 years ago and see what they are up to, what the music sounds like and how successful they are right now. It makes me feel worse but some part of me likes looking at it and imagined what I could've become. The fact of seeing them so successful right now and still doing their dream job just makes me even more sad realizing its been 7 years and I'm still living at home, hopping jobs and thinking how to take off on another musical path.
Last year I have met the most amazing girlfriend in the world, and in the meantime I found some other hobbies that I'm passionate about such as trading in forex and doing visuals. But I feel like it will never replace music since that's like my main-quest in life.
If I think about it, being able to do shows again and make an income being a music artist would make me the happiest person alive but there's no way I'm going back to my older project and certainly no way I'm going to knock on the door of my label and say 'Whatsup' after 7 years.
Without a doubt, my behavior and stubbornness led to the most stupid choice I ever made in my life.

Thanks for reading along. I might delete this post later because I feel like I shared too much personal stuff and it makes me insecure. Although I want to admit it felt good writing all of this.
Peace.
submitted by Top-Rub8826 to askatherapist [link] [comments]

I joined IM Academy, realized it was a pyramid scheme, told my “team”, and they kicked me out of the team. Lol

I joined IM Academy after seeing somebody that I follow on both Instagram and Twitter, posting about joining their forex trading group. I was so amped up, after seeing the individual post a screen recorded video of them making $250 in 7 seconds on MetaTrader 4. I couldn’t wait to join!
BOOM!. Stimulus checks come in. I vowed to invest my $235 as an investment fee for this group. My bank kept declining the transaction, so I called the head of the security department and aired them out so I could invest my $235 and make money already! Then, I finally had access to this investment group after a long morning of trying to get my transaction to go through. I was thrown into a group chat, then told to download Telegram and Zoom from the AppStore. Pretty much, after that, I felt like I was living the dream. I had my foot in the door in the forex trading market.
I’ve been investing for 3-4 years, starting with cryptocurrency, to the stock market, now forex trading with an “investment group”. For the days following, my time was spent being on pointless zoom calls, made up of “millionaires”, and like-minded people just giving motivational speeches all day. None of these calls ever consisted of how to trade, or how to read the graphs/charts, or anything pertaining to actually making money. They were always focused on getting you to recruit people. My team, they were especially hyped on the idea of recruiting people. They would always talk about living the lavish life, once they reach the highest rank in IM Academy, which was a Chairman position.
In my eyes, I knew damn well none of us were going to ever make that big of an impact. I started to connect the dots within this organization, then I figured that nothing seemed right. I went on the website, cancelled my subscription and then deactivated my account 2 nights ago, all before the 7 day “free trial” period they supposedly give you. Hopefully I get a refund.
But wait, there’s more!
So, after contemplating for what seemed like days, I finally hop in my group chat with my “family”, tell them how much I liked them (which I actually did), and told them that I think that IM Academy is a pyramid scheme. I told them valid reasons, as well as pulling up factual information, such as the CFTC court documents against iMarkets Live in 2018. They all put laughing emojis, and told me that I was tripping, and that there’s a huge difference between an MLM and a pyramid scheme. After that, I knew I was working with a bunch of dickheads who were too absorbed into the company to face the reality at hand. I then got aired out by my mentor, got called an embarrassment, and a fraud for bringing “fake energy” into the family. I was appalled, because I couldn’t believe they thought I was trying to bring down “the family”. I was telling them what it was straight up, and their reaction told me that they really believed they’d be making millions of dollars under IM Academy.
I’m someone who does research before making investments, and this was the only time in my life that I didn’t. I don’t even think these people looked up the company itself, or received any ratings on it or anything. They got sold the dream of making millions by IM Academy, and now they’re so knee deep into the “dream”, that they couldn’t handle what I told them. I got kicked out the group chat, and ever since then I just wanted to get this off my chest. What a bunch of losers they were, LOL! I hope they have fun getting scammed out of their time and money for as long as that company can stay afloat.
submitted by Jacquan1997 to antiMLM [link] [comments]

I ruined my career as a music artist. The years are passing by and the amount of regret and guilt are eating me alive.

Hello everyone.
First of all thank you for reading this and giving attention to my story I'm about to share.I want to mention this is a throwaway account because I feel shy talking about this subject. It is something personal to me.
To give you some quick background information about what's going on:- I'm currently 27 years old while my "career" has ended 7 years ago. In all this time in between, I've had the desire to achieve something similar but so far without the success I had imagined.
Here we go...
  1. When I was 12 years old, I had the desire to become an artist (a DJ/Electronic music artist). I had tons of ambition and motivation and had set my goal for life.From that point in my life I kept pursuing it and put in the hard work to achieve it. It was literally the thing that kept me awake at night. I imagined and visualized my dream of standing on a stage in front of 10k people and playing my own music. I visualized one of my idols supporting me and my music. That was the person I looked up to, the guy who sparkled my fire and inspired me to achieve something similar.
  2. Years went by where I got laughed at on every online forum possible. My music sucked, I was too confident about my thing and people basically told me it was pure shit haha. Yet it did not stop me from pursuing my dream. I was the little kid amongst older guys being better at this music production thing. It was fun to be honest. After 3 or 4 years, when I was around 16 my music got noticed by someone bigger than myself. My music started to get noticed by local clubs and "famous" DJ's. They started playing it every single week in clubs and reached out to me. That's where it all began. Somebody I looked up to emailed me and wanted to make a song together. That's what opened many doors for me. Eventually, it led to releasing (and distributing) a real song under my name and having more support and plays as I wished for.
  3. After a few more musical releases, I got approached again. This time by one of the biggest artists within this scene. I had the luck this scene was very local and everything happened in my country. So we met up. I was a shy little kid who took the train to cross the country to meet one of my idols. This was a big day. I felt like the luckiest and happiest kid alive. A dream coming true. My dream of being a star and realizing my goals didn't seem far away.
  4. Things went well from this point. It took some time but eventually near the time I graduated I was ready and settled to make this my business and job. I was happy, around 18 years old. And I was playing shows around the globe and earning a nice amount of money per booking. The fans and "likes" kept coming in and it seemed like I established some sort of fanbase. This was the life I imagined. My goal seemed reached and I was happy.
  5. As I grew older I started to become a bit more pessimistic or perfectionistic.. or both. There are a lot of fake things going on in the music business and I was not the type of artist who likes to play along with that. I felt real. I spoke real (to my fans, on my social media pages, etc), and I acted that way. I want to mention that at this same period of my life, my family was putting some sort of pressure on me that I should find a part-time job for some extra income. Since I didn't play shows every week, I didn't generate a stable income doing music alone. Yet this was the goal, and this was perfectly possible as almost everyone in my crew was making a living from this. I want to mention that "my crew" was my record label / booking agency where I was part of. I kept believing that this was possible but due the pressure and stress my family gave me I think I started to doubt myself at some point. Although I was living my dream and touring the world, my family didn't push or believe it enough so they would suggest me to find a parttime job. I hated that. Every time they brought that up it made me annoyed because I just wanted to focus on my career and because I knew I could pull this off.
  6. My career was still in a good line at that time. It was also the time I was smoking cannabis. I became an addict. It was something I did on a daily basis and I think it had a negative impact on my behavior and work ethic to produce music. It also had an impact on my social media posts and thoughts about the music industry.
  7. Eventually, everything let to the point where I made a social media post which my label and booking agency didn't like, at all. It was so "off-track" for them that they decided to cancel some of my bookings for that upcoming summer. My post was about justice, and I shared some of my thoughts on the "fake" aspect of this music business because it made me extremely annoyed how people could achieve the same things putting in less work than I did (friends, connections, money..). As my label and booking agency supported those fake activities as well, they were kind of pissed that I shared those honest words in front of my fans online.
  8. Since I was a honest person, stubborn, and perfectionistic, I was like "fuck this" and basically never made contact again with them. Eventually this led to my last booking and then my career died. To this day (7 years later), I still get spotify plays from those old songs, and I still get messages every now and then of people asking what happened and why I stopped making this music.
  9. I would like to mention that my interest for that specific genre was fading away near the time I made that post on my social media. Don't get me wrong, obviously, I would've loved to keep doing it as my job. But personally it just wasn't touching me that much anymore as there were other genres that started to appeal to me more.

Here is an important thing I remember telling my dad at the age of 20, after destroying my career and right before starting some labour work which I absolutely hated. "Dad, I'm going to do this job maximum 3 months before I'm off on another musical adventure in another style!".
So far 7 years have passed hopping jobs and not saving a lot of money. It's only been 2 years I finally been able to quit smoking cannabis. I have made tons of songs in all those years, and removed tons of songs completely from my computer because I hate them at some point and I get angry because of everything.
I get a few plays a month on Spotify with my new musical project but it never really took off. I decided to abandon my previous name and start from scratch because I didn't want any connection to my older project. The closest I got to achieving something big was another famous artist reaching out because he liked one of my songs, but eventually it led to nothing (unfortunately).
I have not played a single show as my new project and haven't got close to being successful or making this my job, at all.
As the years are passing by and I'm slowly starting to realize I'm no longer the "golden boy" (aka the little 13 year old kid with big dreams) it starts to eat me and devastate me mentally. It's a big part of my life and the dream is still alive but it feels like the fire or belief that I will get there is slowly fading away.
There have barely been days that I did not make music but no matter how much I produce or whatever genre or style I try, it doesn't seem to take off.
At this point, and for the last year, or 2-3 years, it has become worse.. I highly doubt every step I take and I feel like I cannot make any decision at all for my musical path anymore. I changed my artist name multiple times and even while writing this post I still think the name isn't good enough and I should start another project from scratch. I basically like a lot of genres and I can't seem to make a choice on what I really wanna go after. The musical world has exploded so much with social media and everything right after my career died and there just seems to be too much choice and things going on. I cannot seem to find the right path and I can't find my fire and ambition like I had when I was younger.
Every now and then I still look back at my musical colleagues which I abandoned 7 years ago and see what they are up to, what the music sounds like and how successful they are right now. It makes me feel worse but some part of me likes looking at it and imagined what I could've become. The fact of seeing them so successful right now and still doing their dream job just makes me even more sad realizing its been 7 years and I'm still living at home, hopping jobs and thinking how to take off on another musical path.
Last year I have met the most amazing girlfriend in the world, and in the meantime I found some other hobbies that I'm passionate about such as trading in forex and doing visuals. But I feel like it will never replace music since that's like my main-quest in life.
If I think about it, being able to do shows again and make an income being a music artist would make me the happiest person alive but there's no way I'm going back to my older project and certainly no way I'm going to knock on the door of my label and say 'Whatsup' after 7 years.
Without a doubt, my behavior and stubbornness led to the most stupid choice I ever made in my life.

Thanks for reading along. I might delete this post later because I feel like I shared too much personal stuff and it makes me insecure. Although I want to admit it felt good writing all of this.
Peace.
submitted by Top-Rub8826 to Advice [link] [comments]

HEALth... A back story leading me to seek some answers

I would just like to share my experience with veganism and diet in general.. Before December 2018, I was in a very unconscious state of being. In 2016 my parents divorced after 20 years, I was sexually assaulted 2 different times when I was 16 and one of those times was in a horrific accident in the same night. Long story short, I had plenty of healing to do on my plate. Leading up to December 2018 I had done acid many times and never had any crazy breakthroughs OTHER than the fact I truly saw the universal energy all around and wasn’t able to depict what it even was till years later. It was fun, opened my mind a bit and taught me some little lessons regardless. Summer 2018 right when I graduated high school I ate mushrooms for my first time by my self because I was desperate, suicidal, self destructive as fuck... Deep down I knew there was nothing left to lose. This first mushroom trip I remembered the ecstasy of what it is to be alive, I cried tears of gratitude and joy for even existing for hours. Internally I began forgiving myself and others for all of the pain... It was life altering to say the least in the best way possible. This experience was in July 2018ish, I still had so much unraveling of all my traumas to do that I wasn’t fully aware of yet... From July 2018- Dec 2018 I still lived out my self destructive ways of being; drinking till I was blacked out, not eating the best, sleeping around with whomever would give me the slightest bit of acknowledgment. Mind you, I had everything I could’ve needed materialistically my entire life.. Both my parents were still alive, I just graduated, I had food water and shelter and clothes and many other nice things that would appear on the outside like I was set and had all I needed. I ate pretty balanced my entire life, my mom cooked great and I’ve always been what I would consider healthy and vibrant even when I ate an omnivorous diet all of my life. I’ve always struggled with dairy my entire life and that was it really so it was exempt from my overall intake anyways. Come December 2018 I was in what felt like the densest, darkest hole in my entire existence. I was extremely suicidal, I thought about it every day and how I was going to be successful with it.. I was truly living out some of the most self destructive behaviors I could ever imagine now. A few weeks into Dec 2018 I started hanging out with someone I went to school with and briefly knew. His name was Dan. Dan and I ate acid one of the first nights him and I hung out and he informed me about all of the things about the Matrix and how it was created to keep us trapped and how all of the things that exist within it; tv, food, media, work did it. I already had a little background on 9/11 and flat earth and stuff so I already had a basis on which I was skeptical on quite a few things already but nothing like what was presented to me by Dan. This same night I found myself being attracted to Dan and what he was sharing with me despite me truly understanding any of it at the time. He looked at me with disgust and informed me that he could see in my energy I had a lot of things to go “deal with”... I did not understand what this meant for some time. I was very attracted to Dan from the jump meanwhile he repelled me and did not show any interest. This same night Dan advised me to stop eating any and all animal products, get rid of TV, social media, start trading Forex and learn how to work for myself... This night I stopped consuming any and all animal products, gave up alcohol that I had so heavily relied on- cold turkey, got rid of my TV, bought a desk and started investing in my self and books... Weeks go by from this night and I spent every day from this night pondering all the information I’d been given from Dan. I was doing a lot of research on the matrix and a lot of things started making sense. On December 31st 2018 I decided to eat mushrooms alone, again. I was still feeling very suicidal. Once again, feeling like there was absolutely nothing to lose. This experience was truly one of the most ineffable out of the ones I’ve had. It started great feeling good and it took a very unexpected turn... The walls started melting, I was soaked in sweat, I was crying so hard, my ego was in the midst of a death that saved my life... During the crying, sweating and walls melting a voice said to me “are you sure you’re ready to leave? have you really done all that you feel like you came here to do? because you can but the choice is yours” and from there I exclaimed out loud “No I am not ready to die. I have so much to do still” My soul seriously felt like it was going to leave my body right then and there if I said yes I was ready..... And from here..... My life completely changed. Dan and I started hanging out everyday. He tried teaching my how to trade forex and everything he could about breaking out of the Matrix. Our entire lives revolves around this for awhile.... I was vegan for 6+ months. I felt great for a while, I felt light and clear. I was breaking out so bad frequently which I felt like was either from kissing Dan who had acne which spread to me, or all of the vegan alternatives that were wrecking havoc on my system, the constant state of stress I was in.. It was probably a mix of things. I apprentice plumber and live in New England so by the time winter came around I was starting to feel fatigue and brain fog.. So I started eating meat again and felt back to my balanced, healthy self. During all the time I was vegan I became intolerant of almost all food it felt like... Couldn’t do any gluten or sugar and any time I did resulted in bloat and discomfort for hours on end... Because of Veganism I tried soooooooo many different variations of diets. I juice fasted for weeks, ate nothing but raw fruits and veggies for a while... Fasted a lot I’m general. I was farming for a while so while I was I felt amazing even without meat... And then like I said winter came and my body started taking a turn for the worst it seemed.. My bile was basically water every single time. It seemed like I had a reaction to every single thing I ate until I started eating meat again... And not every day either- it was a very intuitive thing and I ate it when I felt like I needed it. I do not support animal cruelty whatsoever which is why veganism was so appealing to me. I never ate meat because I wanted to hurt animals in the first place. I ate what I was raised by my entire life.. and looking back the way I ate never seemed to be the cause of issues in my life.. It always genuinely came down to lack of emotional support from my caregivers and those around me even myself, traumas that had happened to me.. etc etc. During my 6+ months of no animal products- I binged regularly, I had incessant cravings all day every day for any and everything it seemed like... I was extremely emotionally unstable... Meanwhile on the outside it was ALL “LOVE & LIGHT :D”.... Inside I was suffering so deeply and just didn’t feel balanced. I was supplementing with Cymbiotika and a bunch of other vegan replacements. The more I heal my wounds and become more of what feels like my true self the more I feel like I am able to listen to what my body and Self truly needs to feel healthy and that comes down to my body truly thriving better when I implement strictly local and grass fed beef.. I ritualize this process as much as I am able to. I still think about all of the vegan ideologies and animal suffering which is why I try to be as mindful as possible about all of my consumption. One part of me says “eating meat will interfere with spiritual channel within”, there is no justifying killing any and all animals, live for the animals meanwhile restricting Self of that which it knows it wants and needs to have healthy life... The other part says “what about the plants? Why aren’t they acknowledged for their sentient intelligence?”, why is all the focus just on animals and how they feel? Why don’t vegans or plant based individuals consider the suffering that may be caused by a plant being disconnected from its network (family) + roots? Why isn’t ripping a plant out of the ground to be consumed considered to be just as cruel as raising animals to be consumed? I don’t have all the answers... But vegan, plant based, carnivorous, omnivorous all share one thing in common which is considering the energy and place of that which you may be getting any of these things come from.. Plants and animals come from the Earth, therefore they are natural.. Especially when grown and raised with awareness and given their best lives possible... If we are all one and all interconnected why are plants and animals given such a distinct separation that one is more valuable than the other? Or one feels more than the other? There is no justifying animal cruelty but that also just goes back to the energy and place of that which you are getting your products to consume from... Getting ANY thing whether it’s plant based or not from any where that you don’t know where it comes from seems to be the real issue.. Being disconnected from our source... You can buy all the plant based sources from the grocer you want, but if it’s not local or grown to the best of abilities, given proper tlc, coming from any place that you don’t know- it’s exactly the equivalent of buying meat off the shelf at any grocer having the same disconnect from both sources... Life and death are inevitable. We are mortal beings here on Earth and for some reason I feel there is a lot of premonition that if you are Vegan you are more spiritual, will be healthier, live longer.. Why do I feel more balanced and grounded when I consume meat then? Why do I have more concentration when I consume meat? Why does my body seem to thrive when I consume meat? The answer comes down to individuality at the end of the day... & the quality of that which you use as a source of consumption for ANYthing.... not just meat. When you eat a plant, you interrupted it’s life for your survival. When you eat an animal, you also interrupted its life for your survival. For what? So we can live... & continue the eternal cycles of life and death... When we die, Mother Earth eats at our decay for food for herself... & it appears to be a never ending cycle... I’m doing what appears to be working for me. But I can’t seem to rid myself of the very low level of guilt I’ve programmed into myself from the times I’ve not consumed any animal products.. Just seeking some perspectives If anyone has any to share. I don’t think I am right and anyone else is wrong.. I just feel like there’s so much information along the lines of these things that it can cause confusion if one doesn’t know themselves or their bodies... So any discussion to distinguish some clarity amongst all of it is very much welcomed... I send you so much love, I truly do. I hope we are all eventually able to radically accept and integrate what it means to be healthy and human and do whatever it takes to be humane about doing that in whatever fashion best suits each individual...
submitted by myconat to awakened [link] [comments]

My First Year of Trading

So here it is, three more days and October begins, which marks one year of trading for me. I figured I would contribute to the forum and share some of my experience, a little about me, and what I've learned so far. Whoever wants to listen, that's great. This might get long so buckle up..
Three years ago, I was visiting Toronto. I don't get out much, but my roommate at the time travels there occasionally. He asked everyone at our place if we wanted to come along for a weekend. My roommate has an uncle that lives there and we didn't have to worry about a hotel because his uncle owns a small house that's unlived in which we could stay at. I was the only one to go with. Anyways, we walk around the city, seeing the sights and whatnot.
My friend says to me "where next?"
"I don't know, you're the tour guide"
"We can go check out Bay Street"
"what's 'Bay Street?'"
"It's like the Canadian Wall street! If you haven't seen it you gotta see it!"
Walking along Bay, I admire all the nice buildings and architecture, everything seems larger than life to me. I love things like that. The huge granite facades with intricate designs and towering pillars to make you think, How the fuck did they make that? My attention pivots to a man walking on the sidewalk opposite us. His gait stood out among everyone, he walked with such a purpose.. He laughed into the cell phone to his ear. In the elbow-shoving city environment, he moved with a stride that exuded a power which not only commanded respect, but assumed it. I bet HE can get a text back, hell he's probably got girls waiting on him. This dude was dressed to kill, a navy suit that you could just tell from across the street was way out of my budget, it was a nice fucking suit. I want that. His life, across the street, seemed a world a way from my own. I've worn a suit maybe twice in my life. For my first communion, it was too big for me, I was eleven or whatever so who gives a shit, right? I'm positive I looked ridiculous. The other time? I can't remember.
I want that. I want the suit. I want the wealth, the independence. I want the respect and power, and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about it.
Cue self doubt.
Well, He's probably some rich banker's son. That's a world you're born into. I don't know shit about it. \sigh* keep walking..*

A year later, I'm visiting my parents at their house, they live an hour away from my place. My dad is back from Tennessee, his engineering job was laying people off and he got canned... Or he saw the end was near and just left... I don't know, hard to pay attention to the guy honestly because he kind of just drones on and on. ("Wait, so your mom lives in Michigan, but your dad moved to Tennessee... for a job?" Yea man, I don't fucking know, not going to touch on that one.) The whole project was a shit show that was doomed to never get done, the way he tells it. And he's obviously jaded from multiple similar experiences at other life-sucking engineer jobs. My mom is a retired nurse practitioner who no longer works because of her illness. I ask him what he's doing for work now and he tells me he trades stocks from home. I didn't even know you could do that. I didn't know "trading" was a thing. I thought you just invest and hope for the best.
"Oh that's cool, how much money do you need to do that?"
"Ehh, most say you need at least $25,000 as a minimum"
"Oh... guess I can't do that..."
Six months later, I get a call and it's my dad. We talk a little about whatever. Off topic, he starts asking if I'm happy doing what I'm doing (I was a painter, commercial and residential) I tell him yes but it's kind of a pain in the ass and I don't see it as a long term thing. Then he gets around to asking if I'd like to come work with him. He basically pitches it to me. I'm not one to be sold on something, I'm always skeptical. So I ask all the questions that any rational person would ask and he just swats them away with reassuring phrases. He was real confident about it. But basically he says for this to work, I have to quit my job and move back home so he can teach me how to trade and be by my side so I don't do anything stupid. "My Name , you can make so much money." I say that I can't raise the $25,000 because I'm not far above just living paycheck to paycheck. "I can help you out with that." Wow, okay, well... let me think about it.
My "maybe" very soon turned into a "definitely." So over the next six months, I continue to work my day job painting, and I try to save up what I could for the transition (it wasn't a whole lot, I sucked at saving. I was great at spending though!). My dad gives me a book on day trading (which I will mention later) and I teach myself what I can about the stock market using Investopedia. Also in the meantime, my dad sends me encouraging emails. He tells me to think of an annual income I would like to make as a trader, and used "more than $100,000 but less than a million" as a guideline. He tells me about stocks that he traded that day or just ones that moved and describes the basic price action and the prices to buy and sell at. Basically saying "if you bought X amount of shares here and sold it at X price here, you could make a quick 500 bucks!" I then use a trading sim to trade those symbols and try to emulate what he says. Piece of cake. ;)
Wow, that's way more than what I make in a day.
He tells me not to tell anyone about my trading because most people just think it's gambling. "Don't tell your Mom either." He says most people who try this fail because they don't know how to stop out and take a loss. He talks about how every day he was in a popular chatroom, some noob would say something like, "Hey guys, I bought at X price (high of day or thereabout), my account is down 80% .. uhh I'm waiting for it to come back to my entry price.. what do I do??"
Well shit, I'm not that fucking dumb. If that's all it takes to make it is to buy low, sell high, and always respect a stop then I'll be fantastic.
By the end of September, I was very determined. I had been looking forward everyday to quitting my painting job because while it used to be something I loved, it was just sucking the life out of me at this point. Especially working commercial, you just get worked like a dog. I wasn't living up to my potential with that job and I felt awful for it every minute of every day. I knew that I needed a job where I could use my brain instead of slaving my body to fulfill someone else's dream. "Someone's gotta put gas in the boss's boat" That's a line my buddy once said that he probably doesn't know sticks with me to this day.
It ain't me.
So now it was October 2018, and I'm back living with Mom n' Pops. I was so determined that on my last day of work I gave away all of my painting tools to my buddy like, "here, I don't need this shit." Moving out of my rental was easy because I don't own much, 'can't take it with ya.' Excited for the future I now spend my days bundled up in winter wear in the cold air of our hoarder-like basement with a space heater at my feet. My laptop connected to a TV monitor, I'm looking at stocks next to my dad and his screens in his cluttered corner. Our Trading Dungeon. I don't trade any money, (I wasn't aware of any real-time sim programs) I just watch and learn from my dad. Now you've got to keep in mind, and look at a chart of the S&P, this is right at the beginning of Oct '18, I came in right at the market top. Right at the start of the shit-show. For the next three or four weeks, I watch my dad pretty much scratch on every trade, taking small loss after small loss, and cursing under his breath at the screen.
Click.
"dammit."
Click.
"shit."
Click. Click.
"you fuck."
Click.
This gets really fucking annoying as time goes on, for weeks, and I get this attitude like ugh, just let me do it. I'll make us some fucking money. So I convince him to let me start trading live. I didn't know anything about brokers so I set up an account using his broker, which was Fidelity. It was a pain and I had to jump through a lot of hoops to be able to day trade with this broker. I actually had to make a joint account with my dad as I couldn't get approved for margin because my credit score is shit (never owned a credit card) and my net worth, not much. Anyways, they straight up discourage day trading and I get all kinds of warning messages with big red letters that made me shit myself like oooaaahhh what the fuck did I do now. Did I forget to close a position?? Did I fat finger an order? Am I now in debt for thousands of dollars to Fidelity?? They're going to come after me like they came after Madoff. Even after you are approved for PDT you still get these warning messages in your account. Some would say if I didn't comply with "whatever rule" they'd even suspend my account for 60 days. It was ridiculous, hard to describe because it doesn't make sense, and it took the support guy on the phone a good 20 minutes to explain it to me. Basically I got the answer "yea it's all good, you did nothing wrong. As long as you have the cash in your account to cover whatever the trade balance was" So I just kept getting these warnings that I had to ignore everyday. I hate Fidelity.
My fist day trading, I made a few so-so trades and then I got impatient. I saw YECO breaking out and I chased, soon realized I chased, so I got out. -$500. Shit, I have to make that back, I don't want my dad to see this. Got back in. Shit. -$400. So my first day trading, I lost $900. My dumbass was using market orders so that sure didn't help. I reeled the risk back and traded more proper position size for a while, but the commissions for a round trip are $10, so taking six trades per day, I'm losing $60 at a minimum on top of my losing trades. Quickly I realized I didn't know what the hell I was doing. What about my dad? Does HE know? One day, in the trading dungeon, I was frustrated with the experience I'd been having and just feeling lost overall. I asked him.
"So, are you consistently profitable?"
"mmm... I do alright."
"Yea but like, are you consistently profitable over time?"
.........................
"I do alright."
Silence.
"Do you know any consistently profitable traders?"
"Well the one who wrote that book I gave you, Tina Turner.. umm and there's Ross Cameron"
......................
"So you don't know any consistently profitable traders, personally.. People who are not trying to sell you something?"
"no."
...................
Holy fucking shit, what did this idiot get me into. He can't even say it to my face and admit it.
This entire life decision, quitting my job, leaving my rental, moving from my city to back home, giving shit away, it all relied on that. I was supposed to be an apprentice to a consistently profitable day trader who trades for a living. It was so assumed, that I never even thought to ask! Why would you tell your son to quit his job for something that you yourself cannot do? Is this all a scam? Did my dad get sold a DREAM? Did I buy into some kind of ponzi scheme? How many of those winning trades he showed me did he actually take? Are there ANY consistently profitable DAY TRADERS who TRADE FOR A LIVING? Why do 90% fail? Is it because the other 10% are scamming the rest in some way? Completely lost, I just had no clue what was what. If I was going to succeed at this, if it was even possible to succeed at this, it was entirely up to me. I had to figure it out. I still remember the feeling like an overwhelming, crushing weight on me as it all sunk in. This is going to be a big deal.. I'm not the type to give up though. In that moment, I said to myself,
I'm going to fucking win at this. I don't know if this is possible, but I'm going to find out. I cannot say with certainty that I will succeed, but no matter what, I will not give up. I'm going to give all of myself to this. I will find the truth.
It was a deep moment for me. I don't like getting on my soapbox, but when I said those things, I meant it. I really, really meant it. I still do, and I still will.
Now it might seem like I'm being hard on my dad. He has done a lot for me and I am very grateful for that. We're sarcastic as hell to each other, I love the bastard. Hell, I wouldn't have the opportunity to trade at all if not for him. But maybe you can also understand how overwhelmed I felt at that time. Not on purpose, of course he means well. But I am not a trusting person at all and I was willing to put trust into him after all the convincing and was very disappointed when I witnessed the reality of the situation. I would have structured this transition to trading differently, you don't just quit your job and start trading. Nobody was there to tell me that! I was told quite the opposite. I'm glad it happened anyway, so fuck it. I heard Kevin O'Leary once say,
"If I knew in the beginning how difficult starting a business was, I don't know that I ever would've started."
This applies very much to my experience.
So what did I do? Well like everyone I read and read and Googled and Youtube'd my ass off. I sure as hell didn't pay for a course because I didn't have the money and I'm like 99% sure I would be disappointed by whatever they were teaching as pretty much everything can be found online or in books for cheap or free. Also I discovered Thinkorswim and I used that to sim trade in real-time for three months. This is way the hell different than going on a sim at 5x speed and just clicking a few buy and sell buttons. Lol, useless. When you sim trade in real-time you're forced to have a routine, and you're forced to experience missing trades with no chance to rewind or skip the boring parts. That's a step up because you're "in it". I also traded real money too, made some, lost more than I made. went back to sim. Traded live again, made some but lost more, fell back to PDT. Dad fronted me more cash. This has happened a few times. He's dug me out of some holes because he believes in me. I'm fortunate.
Oh yeah, about that book my dad gave me. It's called A Beginner's Guide to Day Trading Online by Toni Turner. This book... is shit. This was supposed to be my framework for how to trade and I swear it's like literally nothing in this book fucking works lol. I could tell this pretty early on, intuitively, just by looking at charts. It's basically a buy-the-breakout type strategy, if you want to call it a strategy. No real methodology to anything just vague crap and showing you cherry-picked charts with entries that are way too late. With experience in the markets you will eventually come to find that MOST BREAKOUTS FAIL. It talks about support/resistance lines and describes them as, "picture throwing a ball down at the floor, it bounces up and then it bounces down off the ceiling, then back up." So many asinine assumptions. These ideas are a text book way of how to trade like dumb money. Don't get me wrong, these trades can work but you need to be able to identify the setups which are more probable and identify reasons not to take others. So I basically had to un-learn all that shit.
Present day, I have a routine in place. I'm out of the dungeon and trade by myself in my room. I trade with a discount broker that is catered to day traders and doesn't rape me on commissions. My mornings have a framework for analyzing the news and economic events of the particular day, I journal so that I can recognize what I'm doing right and where I need to improve. I record my screens for later review to improve my tape reading skills. I am actually tracking my trades now and doing backtesting in equities as well as forex. I'm not a fast reader but I do read a lot, as much as I can. So far I have read about 17-18 books on trading and psychology. I've definitely got a lot more skilled at trading.
As of yet I am not net profitable. Writing that sounds like selling myself short though, honestly. Because a lot of my trades are very good and are executed well. I have talent. However, lesser quality trades and trades which are inappropriately sized/ attempted too many times bring down that P/L. I'm not the type of trader to ignore a stop, I'm more the trader that just widdles their account down with small losses. I trade live because at this point, sim has lost its value, live trading is the ultimate teacher. So I do trade live but I just don't go big like I did before, I keep it small.
I could show you trades that I did great on and make people think I'm killing it but I really just don't need the validation. I don't care, I'm real about it. I just want to get better. I don't need people to think I'm a genius, I'm just trying to make some money.
Psychologically, to be honest with you, I currently feel beaten down and exhausted. I put a lot of energy into this, and sometimes I work myself physically sick, it's happened multiple times. About once a week, usually Saturday, I get a headache that lasts all day. My body's stress rebound mechanism you might call it. Getting over one of those sick periods now, which is why I barely even traded this week. I know I missed a lot of volatility this week and some A+ setups but I really just don't give a shit lol. I just currently don't have the mental capital, I think anyone who's been day trading every day for a year or more can understand what I mean by that. I'm still being productive though. Again, I'm not here to present an image of some badass trader, just keeping it real. To give something 100% day after day while receiving so much resistance, it takes a toll on you. So a break is necessary to avoid making bad trading decisions. That being said, I'm progressing more and more and eliminating those lesser quality trades and identifying my bad habits. I take steps to control those habits and strengthen my good habits such as having a solid routine, doing review and market research, taking profits at the right times, etc.
So maybe I can give some advice to some that are new to day trading, those who are feeling lost, or just in general thinking "...What the fuck..." I thought that every night for the first 6 months lol.
First of all, manage expectations. If you read my story of how I came to be a trader, you can see I had a false impression of trading in many aspects. Give yourself a realistic time horizon to how progress should be made. Do not set a monetary goal for yourself, or any time-based goal that is measured in your P/L. If you tell yourself, "I want to make X per day, X per week, or X per year" you're setting yourself up to feel like shit every single day when it's clear as the blue sky that you won't reach that goal anytime soon. As a matter of fact, it will appear you are moving further AWAY from that goal if you just focus on your P/L, which brings me to my next point.
You will lose money. In the beginning, most likely, you will lose money. I did it, you'll do it, the greatest Paul Tudor Jones did it. Trading is a skill that needs to be developed, and it is a process. Just look at it as paying your tuition to the market. Sim is fine but don't assume you have acquired this skill until you are adept at trading real money. So when you do make that leap, just trade small.
Just survive. Trade small. get the experience. Protect your capital. To reach break even on your bottom line is a huge accomplishment. In many ways, experience and screen time are the secret sauce.
Have a routine. This is very important. I actually will probably make a more in-depth post in the future about this if people want it. When I first started, I was overwhelmed with the feeling "What the fuck am I supposed to DO?" I felt lost. There's no boss to tell you how to be productive or how to find the right stocks, which is mostly a blessing, but a curse for new traders.
All that shit you see, don't believe all that bullshit. You know what I'm talking about. The bragposting, the clickbait Youtube videos, the ads preying on you. "I made X amount of money in a day and I'm fucking 19 lolz look at my Lamborghini" It's all a gimmick to sell you the dream. It's designed to poke right at your insecurities, that's marketing at it's finest. As for the bragposting on forums honestly, who cares. And I'm not pointing fingers on this forum, just any trading forum in general. They are never adding anything of value to the community in their posts. They never say this is how I did it. No, they just want you to think they're a genius. I can show you my $900 day trading the shit out of TSLA, but that doesn't tell the whole story. Gamblers never show you when they lose, you might never hear from those guys again because behind the scenes, they over-leveraged themselves and blew up. Some may actually be consistently profitable and the trades are 100% legit. That's fantastic. But again, I don't care, and you shouldn't either. You shouldn't compare yourself to others.
"Everyone's a genius in a bull market" Here's the thing.. Markets change. Edges disappear. Trading strategies were made by traders who traded during times when everything they did worked. Buy all the breakouts? Sure! It's the fucking tech bubble! Everything works! I'm sure all those typical setups used to work fantastically at some point in time. But the more people realize them, the less effective they are. SOMEONE has to be losing money on the opposite side of a winning trade, and who's willing to do that when the trade is so obvious? That being said, some things are obvious AND still work. Technical analysis works... sometimes. The caveat to that is, filters. You need to, in some way, filter out certain setups from others. For example, you could say, "I won't take a wedge pattern setup on an intraday chart unless it is in a higher time frame uptrend, without nearby resistance, and trading above average volume with news on that day."
Have a plan. If you can't describe your plan, you don't have one. Think in probabilities. You should think entirely in "if, then" scenarios. If X has happens, then Y will probably happen. "If BABA breaks this premarket support level on the open I will look for a pop up to short into."
Backtest. Most traders lose mainly because they think they have an edge but they don't. You read these books and all this stuff online telling you "this is a high probability setup" but do you know that for a fact? There's different ways to backtest, but I think the best way for a beginner is manual backtesting with a chart and an excel sheet. This builds up that screen time and pattern recognition faster. This video shows how to do that. Once I saw someone do it, it didn't seem so boring and awful as I thought it was.
Intelligence is not enough. You're smarter than most people, that's great, but that alone is not enough to make you money in trading necessarily. Brilliant people try and fail at this all the time, lawyers, doctors, surgeons, engineers.. Why do they fail if they're so smart? It's all a fucking scam. No, a number of reasons, but the biggest is discipline and emotional intelligence.
Journal every day. K no thanks, bro. That's fucking gay. That's how I felt when I heard this advice but really that is pride and laziness talking. This is the process you need to do to learn what works for you and what doesn't. Review the trades you took, what your plan was, what actually happened, how you executed. Identify what you did well and what you can work on. This is how you develop discipline and emotional intelligence, by monitoring yourself. How you feel physically and mentally, and how these states affect your decision-making.
Always be learning. Read as much as you can. Good quality books. Here's the best I've read so far;
Market Wizards -Jack Schwager
One Good Trade -Mike Bellafiore
The Daily Trading Coach -Bret Steenbarger
Psycho-cybernetics -Maxwell Maltz
Why You Win or Lose -Fred Kelly
The Art and Science of Technical Analysis -Adam Grimes
Dark Pools -Scott Patterson
Be nimble. Everyday I do my research on the symbols I'm trading and the fundamental news that's driving them. I might be trading a large cap that's gapping up with a beat on EPS and revenue and positive guidance. But if I see that stock pop up and fail miserably on the open amidst huge selling pressure, and I look and see the broader market tanking, guess what, I'm getting short, and that's just day trading. The movement of the market, on an intraday timeframe, doesn't have to make logical sense.
Adapt. In March I used to be able to buy a breakout on a symbol and swing it for the majority of the day. In the summer I was basically scalping on the open and being done for the day. Volatility changes, and so do my profit targets.
Be accountable. Be humble. Be honest. I take 100% responsibility for every dime I've lost or made in the market. It's not the market makers fault, it wasn't the HFTs, I pressed the button. I know my bad habits and I know my good habits.. my strengths/ my weaknesses.
Protect yourself from toxicity. Stay away from traders and people on forums who just have that negative mindset. That "can't be done" mentality. Day trading is a scam!! It can certainly be done. Prove it, you bastard. I'm posting to this particular forum because I don't see much of that here and apparently the mods to a good job of not tolerating it. As the mod wrote in the rules, they're most likely raging from a loss. Also, the Stocktwits mentality of "AAPL is going to TANK on the open! $180, here we come. $$$" , or the grandiose stories, "I just knew AMZN was going to go up on earnings. I could feel it. I went ALL IN. Options money, baby! ka-ching!$" Lol, that is so toxic to a new trader. Get away from that. How will you be able to remain nimble when this is your thought process?
Be good to yourself. Stop beating yourself up. You're an entrepreneur. You're boldly going where no man has gone before. You've got balls.
Acknowledge your mistakes, don't identify with them. You are not your mistakes and you are not your bad habits. These are only things that you do, and you can take action necessary to do them less.
It doesn't matter what people think. Maybe they think you're a fool, a gambler. You don't need their approval. You don't need to talk to your co-workers and friends about it to satisfy some subconscious plea for guidance; is this a good idea?
You don't need anyone's permission to become the person you want to be.
They don't believe in you? Fuck 'em. I believe in you.
submitted by indridcold91 to Daytrading [link] [comments]

Being a Christian on NoFap and learning of the RedPill

Before you click off this post, just hear me out. This is coming from a guy who first discovered redpill in 2016 and didn't even believe it until 2019. That was when I had a couple of experiences and it pointed me right back to the redpill when I didn't think it would be valuable at all.
The Redpill has taught me a lot of things. NoFap has also taught me a lot of things.
Us as Christians already know some of the redpill, because we know that the Bible is true, the Holy Spirit is alive, Jesus is always with us. The Redpill is seeing the truth for what it is. Knowing the gospel is part of this, I believe.
But when it comes to women, 90% of guys will not take the redpill unless they have had an experience. It took me two experiences to wake up out of this bluepill society. And it all happened in 2019, but I'm still currently learning but also seeking God before I go out trying to date again. This is serious and real stuff.
I'm going to begin with the first experience. Prior to this experience I was still struggling with nofap, always binging because I was alone. I became comfortable with the fact that I would be lonely for a while after a breakup in 2017, so I spent 2018 binging like crazy and not caring. Spent the first couple of months of 2019 doing the same. Until I met this girl.
I didn't even have to chase her. She pursued me the whole time, making conversation everytime she saw me, then we ended up having a conversation about God. She could tell that I was a Christian through my energy. Even though I was secretly binging on PMO, I carried myself as a man of God to the best of my ability even though it was hard to stop PMO. She asked what church I went to and I told her, and she wanted to come so she gave me her number. This was last April. We texted for a couple weeks, she would go to my church and I started to begin to realize that she really liked me. She would give me hugs every time she saw me, and then one day a conversation struck about us liking each other.
She really liked me a lot, more than I could really ever know probably. She wrote me deep poems, and stuff like that. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when I saw her at my job one day in the parking lot. That's where we met. My job at the grocery store. Then we had a sexual conversation one day. It happened out of nowhere. Prior, I had told her that I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex, and she respected it. We still had a sexual conversation, and I never would've thought that she had this type of mentality at all. Because of how she carried herself in public and what not. About a month of us talking passed, and we ended up hanging out, playing a little video games, then she brought in the wine later. We didn't drink a whole lot, but it was my first time drinking so I got tipsy quick. The sum it up, we did do it. We didn't do a whole lot, but we did enough. It was sin regardless. We both felt bad, but I think she felt worse. And afterwards I was thinking that since we did it, we might as well just date and be a couple or whatever. She wouldn't let it happen. She felt we both weren't ready.
We hung out about 3 more times, including one time where she took me to the beach and we were out all day and then went back home and did it again. We knew we were wrong for it, and in the end we ended up agreeing to never see each other or talk again. I really didn't want to let go of her but she insisted.
After that chapter was over, I was still bluepill. So I was just wishing for that girlfriend who will love me and be with me. No later than a month passed, and I end up reconnecting with this girl from church who's family came back after about 7 or 8 years or more from going to church. The whole family struggled with believing in God, but the parents finally began to trust and believe God. But she didn't. She told me she did, but in the end I found out that she didn't. Her actions showed that she didn't, but I ignored them.
As ignorant as I was, knowing that we both liked each other and not acknowledging her past, I rushed into a relationship with her. I wanted her for her looks, I didn't care that she dressed provacatively in church or anything. I ignored everything about her baggage, her crazy past and her ex that was in jail. I just wanted a relationship with her and to make it work. That's all I wanted. And I made it known, through trying to impress her. Even though she told me she never been on a date before, but she wasn't a virgin at all. I ignored all these red flags. I would be an almost perfect gentleman to her, buying her flowers and stuff like that. A month in everything was going well until something happened.
She found out her ex was out of jail, but he was killed in a car crash. That's when I found out that he really wasn't her ex. She was really waiting on that moment for him to get out of jail and possibly take her back. But she wouldn't tell me that. Despite all that she told me about him cheating on her. Me being bluepill I ignored the fact that she was using our relationship as a way to try to stop thinking of him, but she was still wanting him. He treated her bad but she still wanted him. He was her imprint and I didn't understand this until it was all too late.
Once she found out about him, everything went 180 degrees. She was depressed over his death, and I didn't know what to do. She wasn't acting the same at all. I tried to be there for her but it didn't really help that much. Then I tried asking her best friend what I should do, and she got mad because I talked to her friend behind her back about the situation. Me being beta, I began to constantly apologize to her, begging for forgiveness. I invested to much of my attention to this short relationship and I didn't want to lose her at the time.
A week passed, and she said she wanted a break. Then she said it was best if we just stopped altogether, and I'm not gonna lie it left me devastated because she sold me a dream, and I believed that we would be long term. She sold me this dream that she would try and get closer to God and I immediately believed it. After all this, she told me that she didn't care about God, and that once she moved out of her parents house she was going to stop going. She always said that I wasn't a reckless enough for her, meaning I wasn't wild and bad like the guys of her past. Because I am a good person, who wouldn't break the rules. I was respectful, and she wasn't into that. It took for all that to happen just for her to admit all of this.
Now imagine if that tragedy didn't happen? It's terrible that it did happen. She told me things about him, like him being a gang leader and killing 3 people and stuff like that, but I can't judge him. We all sin. But if I feel like, as bad and as crazy as it sounds that God got me out of that relationship quick. Because I had no business in it. A week before he even died, I fell into a light sleep and had a vision of me driving downhill, and going into a huge roadblock sign, but before I hit it the dream stopped and I awoke. That very next week all that stuff happens. No coincidence.
I was relieved to know the truth. Because I could've been in that relationship for longer and it would've been bad. I would've stayed unaware and let her do stuff and ignore it.
After the break up I was disappointed, I wasn't deeply sad, I just felt rejected, lied to and robbed. A few weeks later, I decide to get more serious about nofap so I continue back watching nofap videos. This NoFap YouTuber, who is now my Forex mentor began redpill. He had seen the similar things that I saw. Women selling men a dream. Them saying things, and doing the exact opposite. He mentioned a redpill channel, and that's when EVERYTHING started to make sense. Everything.
I learned a whole lot, and everything in those videos explained both of my situations from 2019. As in the first situation, a woman can carry herself as a saint, but behind closed doors I saw a totally different person. And I'm not shaming her, we all know that the devil is working. I actually learned a lot from the first girl. In the end she knew she was wrong, that we were wrong. She actually helped me be more closer to God, more than I wanted to be. Back then I didn't even want to read the Bible or anything everyday like I do now. Both of these experiences lead me to closer to God because I want to know the truth and be who God has called me to be.
In conclusion, it isn't worth it guys. Don't let a woman sell you a dream, and don't ignore the red flags like I did. We have to put more trust in God more than anything.
The devil can tempt anyone, and it can be easy to just give in and sin, just like with PMO. Women are capable of entertaining other guys whether you committed to them or not. Or they committed. And at the end of the day we have no control over that. All we can really do is self improve, draw closer to God and go on about our lives. We can't become too attached to these females. Only stay attached to God, because he'll never turn your back on you.
The effect all of this has had on me eventually led me to read the word of God more, watch more sermons, meditate and pray more and also workout and eat better. And also not believe absolutely everything a person says to you. I hope you've got through this whole thing and this has helped you if you're going through something. Because this can apply to PMO as well. Those women on the screen don't care about you. They only care about your attention, whether it be your money, your click, or your double tap. Before we try to get into a long term relationship we have to seek God first. Because in this world today, a virtuous woman who is actually virtuous is hard to find. But God can lead us to the right path of what we need.
submitted by Camsnofapjourney to NoFapChristians [link] [comments]

22 year old friendship ruined, need your thoughts....

I'd love some perspective on a recent story that's bothering me. Any and all perspectives welcomed.
In August last year an old friend (we're 38 now and 16 when we met) had been doing a guidance ritual with his mum who is trained to be a shaman… she gave him LSD as part of the ritual- and I haven't tried it so I don't know what it's like.
Anyway, for some reason I contacted him out of the blue the next day when he was still feeling some of the effects. He told me that he loved me, probably always had and it had been a long time coming. I was really surprised, but it was lovely. On some level I'd always felt like that about him (I denied it a lot over the years) but really didn't think that he would ever say or feel something like that.
In that convo he said I'd make a great girlfriend and he'd be lucky to have me, I was really smart and lovely but intense and opinionated. Also, that ironically he thought he'd missed his one chance at happiness with me (you can understand the ironically part when you know the backstory). He said I was beautiful and he was stupid for not being completely in love with me. He said he was sure we'd known each other in past lives. I was very touched by all of this because I adore him but I took it with a pinch of salt, and tried to find out if it was just a fleeting feeling.
But he also said that his life is on a dark path, and that in this lifetime he is only meant to suffer, maybe he'll be dead by 50 and we should see each other in the next life. He said he has huge issues (lots of drink and drugs of many types), is also very intense, and I'd never be able to handle the up and down of his lifestyle.
I got the feeling that he was having those thoughts about loving me for the first time right then, so I asked him if he’d felt like that before, or just that night. And he said he’d thought it the last time we spoke when I’d interviewed him for a book a couple of years previously. But I didn’t get the impression he’d really felt like that when we were younger.
I checked a month or 2 later if he remembered what he said because I thought maybe he had just been high. He said he thought he remembered everything he had said, and said I wasn't very nice for not believing him, so I was really happy and decided to go and see him.
Fast forward a couple months to after Christmas - I hadn't been to see him yet- but we’d been messaging and sending photos. For Christmas, his mum had bought him a tarot card reading with a chocolate ritual with a shaman or a psychic lady, and he was sharing with me that he'd done it and that it said his head was really messed up. He seemed quite upset.
So me being 5% moron, my nervousness and excitedness had returned (I was always very, very nervous around him when we were young) and I made a joke he really didn't appreciate, offering to shoot him in the head if he wanted (I was trying to lighten the mood, and also we seemed to be getting a bit more gentle, intimate and less jokey in the way that we were talking to each other, which freaks me out. He's much sweeter than he used to be, and it kind of makes me freeze up a bit).
Well! Bang. It was like I stabbed him in the chest or something. It seemed to instantly remind him of all the things that annoy him about me, and after 5 months being really sweet he went cold on me. Really, really cold. From there I got very confused and kept making worse mistakes because I got nervous, and kept trying to fix it. I sent him some long, weird email which I’m sure made things worse. I also posted something on Facebook which made it look like I was chatting to other guys. All very silly. It's ridiculous. I'm an adult and am pretty confident these days. But suddenly I was really nervous again feeling like a kid and like there’s something terribly wrong with me.
I arranged to go and see him for a few days in Tenerife, and before I went it was pretty tense between us and I couldn't tell if he wanted me to go or not- I did everything I could to try and find out if he actually wanted me to go or not- but he was his usual tight-lipped self. When I got there, he was very hospitable, apologized for being off-radar and showed me round, we went out to bars and the beach...
We spent four days (before he had to go home to England) as a quasi-couple, and it was a very surreal experience. It was bizarrely intimate, sweet but tense, with someone I know very well... naked. For the first time I realised how peace-loving and gentle he is- which I never saw before. He can't stand a lot of the more boisterous things I do, which is fair, but ironically they're things I tended to do from nerves and trying to get his attention. I kind of got it after that- why he finds me so aversive sometimes, it's like we're stuck in a negative feedback loop, and he thinks I’m too harsh for his delicate constitution. Which, he might just be right about.
In between the fun, laughing, joking, drinking, sex and bonding- of which there was lots and it was really nice - he was filled with sadness and depression, grumpiness, and a funny attitude from him that seemed to shout: "yuck, it's you, you're more like a sisteannoying irritation than a woman to me." He said that it was because his life was falling apart- and he was obviously very very depressed but trying to show me a good time and doing a good job of it too, I might add. But so many things pointed to the fact that he mainly just felt annoyed by me, found me totally unsuitable, and kind of pitied me, rather than feeling any love for me, and that he finds me generally very annoying. Wall up, blinds closed, aint comin' in.
He also kept telling me about his lifestyle of drink and drugs and how everyone he knows is a junky or a crazy person. It felt like he was trying very hard to make me see reality and put me off him, or save me from him, or warn me, or see how I would react and if I would run. Or save himself from what he sees as inevitable hostility and rejection (as well as from me and how annoying I am). "Be careful what you wish for" and "curiosity killed the cat" seemed to be his repetitive catchphrases when I showed an interest in him. Apparently, his ex thinks he's a bastard, he would tell me.
I think, ideally, if he could change me (he used to talk a lot about me doing DHT to rebalance myself) he would want to be in a relationship, because we enjoy each other’s company. But it could only work if he was tougher and I was less harsh. I think he sees these things quite clearly as they are – that he’s got a delicate constitution, and I’m far too frustrated by him to be delicate enough for things to work out. I’d soon get pissed off and ditch the situation, rather than sweep things under the rug and carry on from day to day in a carefree world of consumption- I just couldn’t do that. I’m a strategic future-planner.
At one point we played some intimacy/trust game with lots of questions, and he loosened up a little... but the way he would answer questions like "Name 3 things you like about your partner" was like "well you ARE very caring" in the same way that someone might say "Well, Hitler WAS very spiritual." It's funny because in relationships I'm very soft in general, in recent years, but I do still get very harsh and frustrated when problems don’t seem solvable. But with him I just can't seem to relax and trust him enough to be soft with him at all, and he didn't give me a chance anyway. We just don’t trust each other- we’re not safe for each other.
After I went home he checked in with me a couple times, which I liked. He tried to share some things with me that interest him, about quite spiritual or unusual subjects (trees being interconnected, aliens having been involved in human development, DHT, the memory of water… stuff that as someone who studied physics I don’t normally hear about, but I’m pretty open to hearing about them)- he's very soft and very chilled- doesn’t like stress at all. But every time I tried to dig a bit deeper and engage with him to see what it was about them that interested him - he completely ignored me. Didn’t try, nothing. Me trying to talk with him about the things he shared seemed to send the walls up and just bug him. Really really frustrating. It's like I couldn't do anything right. Particularly frustrating when he said he was trying to open up my mind- but then wouldn't connect or follow through.
So, for a couple months, for the first time in 20 years I seemed to be chasing him. It's like he promised me something, judged me for being nervous and "annoying" and not perfect, and then instead of being understanding, he ran. Yikes.
Eventually I got so confused I sent him screenshots of the conversation where he'd said he loved me and he didn't even remember it! He was shocked, blamed it on the drugs and mental illness saying that he was "not a well person." He said he was beginning to get the feeling that he'd "annoyed me" now, and that he sees me as a friend, and he didn't mean to piss me off. Then he changed the subject. He finished up that conversation by saying "we're on different paths and in different places", and he needs to sort himself out and that's that.
The backstory goes like this… The first year we knew eachother he nicknamed me “TT” which meant “no tits and no teeth” (I had big gaps before I had braces). He used to do things like hit me on the butt with a stick and then I’d punch him and go nuts. He really took the piss out of me with his friends and girlfriends because I had a huge crush on him (he thought it was hilarious that I felt like I’d been struck by lightning when I first saw him). They used to put me on speakerphone and laugh. He was the only guy I ever asked out – which I did on his answer machine!! Ugh. So, yeah, really humiliated me actually and I’ve never asked anyone out since (thank goodness I’m a woman, haha).
After that I had braces and turned into a social person who had lots of parties and friends. He started being really nice to me. But I didn’t forgive him very easily, and we had a big bust up and weren't friends for a year or so. I did a pizza leaflet with his phone number on it. And I banned him from my 18th birthday party to which all our friends were going, and he was pretty upset. I felt bad once when I saw him outside one of my parties on the curb holding his head in his hands saying “why does she hate me so much?” Well, deep down I loved the guy, but he’d humiliated me, so I guess there was a thin line between love and hate. I don’t know if that would have made him feel any better, but hopefully.
From some point on, we made up and we always had great chemistry after that... we did things like hanging out and smoking some weed in his car together with other people, going out in London with our mutual friends, him giving me lots of lifts home from pubs and friends houses, me driving his car drunk and pretending I was going to crash it to wind him up (that was stupid and irresponsible).
Looking back I think he kind of liked me at that point but was scared of me, didn’t know how to make a move as I had moved on and had given him such a hard time, but at the time I really didn't have a clue whether he liked me or not, I was always just very, very feisty and energetic around him (after all the humiliation I guess) so I could never be calm.
Then we went to the same uni town, texted constantly for a year, and even then he said he thought we’d known each other in past lives. To my friends I gave him the nickname "my future husband", he asked me out in the cutest way by saying that if I had the guts and the inclination to go out with him, then we should go for a drink. I was soooo excited..
Well, we almost went out and then he dropped out of uni because of an argument with a lecturer or something. I honestly believe everyone has to follow their own path, so for me it was just sad for him that he had so much stress, and it was disappointing about the date. Our first kiss was when he came up to the uni town again and we did a pub crawl, and he seemed to want to go and sit somewhere and be sweet but I was too nervous so we just kept doing the pubcrawl and ended up spooning on a friend’s floor (just hugging and kissing).
We almost went on a date in our home area but he cancelled without suggesting an alternative, and I got annoyed so he stopped talking to me- surprisingly easily- it’s like he has a very low threshold for any kind of angst, and isn’t able to soothe himself or the other person, so just bails. Which, considering the fact that he creates a lot of angst-provoking situations means that he kind of expects to go through life without facing any consequences for his actions. Pretty frustrating for someone like me, who expects quite a lot of openness and honesty.
We eventually hooked up once and he never called me after so after waiting for a while, I reluctantly moved on and ended up with someone else for 4 years. I have no idea how he felt about this, but a couple of small things surprised me and I wondered if he had actually felt more than I gave him credit for. I mean, that love confession blew me away, I wouldn't have thought for a moment that he had been harbouring any thoughts like that about me, I thought for him it was all a big joke and meant nothing, so maybe he did feel something other than annoyance for me when we were younger.
It's hard to tell as he's been with a lot of women, is very tight-lipped and doesn’t put himself on the line, or take any risks at all. But in those days I was always so nervous around him that any signs would have just gone completely under the radar anyway.
A few years later, after lots of traveling, he popped up working in the office down the hall from me at this random summer job I took and we started emailing lots. He seemed disappointed with how life was not as exciting as he'd expected. Then he disappeared one day- he was living with his ex at the time (very lovely girl) and I was with the same guy (the 4 year one).
A few years after that we were back hanging around in the same social circle until everyone, including him, moved abroad, and eventually, so did i. It was funny, I would always be able to talk to him if I was upset about, say, moving to uni or something. It didn't happen often but a couple of times.
Most of this he probably wouldn't even remember because I think he's been with a lot a lot of girls.
He has low self-esteem, apparently. He thinks he has bad luck with women even though women adore him (he's exceptionally easy on the eyes. He’s beautiful actually)- and according to a mutual friend of ours, when he was a teenager he always worried that no decent women would want someone like him.
Recently (in the past 15 years, which isn’t so recent, lol) we didn't really hang out much but we became more normal adults. I went down quite a dry academic path and got a BSc in physics with astrophysics and an MSc in clinical research, and ended up stuck in a corporate job I hated until I quit to become a writer, whereas he had more balls than me and did what he wanted much earlier- becoming an entrepreneur trading stock, gold, Forex, imports and exports... at times making a fortune and at other times going bust and beating himself up for it, but always finding something new to try, which I think's pretty damn cool (but try convincing him of that).
It's pretty normal for entrepreneurial people to have ups and downs in their success-levels I think, but he seems to judge himself very harshly. The last couple of years he’s been making more money than I’ve ever been able to shake a stick at! I really don’t think he should feel ashamed at all (which he seems to), I think he should feel proud that he’s so dynamic. Good for him. He’s awesome. The only thing I wish is that he had heavy enough emotional armor that he could deal with more difficult situations without bailing.
Anyway. Over the years I stopped being super into him and we had a nice, pretty normal friendship -we chatted sometimes on messenger and would always have nice chemistry when we saw each other. He's been trying to arrange a visit for about 10 years or so between the various countries we've been living in (we're both expat people and he wanted to come see me in Madrid and Amsterdam when I lived there, then he wanted me to go seem him in Tenerife for a few years) and I've avoided it, as although I wanted to see him I was scared of a casual fling with him as it’s not what I wanted, and I really don’t like that kind of thing anyway (tried it once or twice thinking I could handle it and I was being all “modern” and cool and everything – because I think I’m a bit old fashioned deep down - but I got emotionally attached and then end up hurt. So now I accept myself for who I am- someone who doesn’t really like flings or casual stuff, but someone who is into monogamy. Whoops! How very boring and unfashionable, and I don’t give a shit. Rayyyy for the love. Whoop whoop.).
A couple years ago I interviewed him for a book I wrote about ADHD entrepreneurs. His lifestyle was pretty cool making a lot of money through affiliate marketing and living near the beach in hot sunny Tenerife in an apartment with a pool. But he seemed to think that he sucked for some reason (everyone else seems to think it's pretty darn cool). He said that when he grew up he was under a lot of pressure and that it seemed to have messed up his head. He said that to do well in life you need to do what you want to do, because if you listen to other people you are only going to be messed up. When he was on LSD he said that he had thought he loved me during that interview.
This year, his life as an expat abroad basically fell apart as the affiliate marketing scheme crashed and he had to move home to live with his parents, which has brought him really, really down into depression. He said he keeps being told he is going to end up working in McDonalds, and being reminded of the fact that he’s almost 40, and this seemed to be weighing on his mind. It sounds like a lot of pressure.
But anyway, for about 5 months after the conversation when he was on LSD he opened up to me, and he was really lovely to me. It was so nice. I guess it was because I was more relaxed and the main thing I wanted was to check up on him and see that he was ok. I didn’t have an agenda to see if he would be a match for me or anything like that- I was just really worried about him. So maybe he felt safe enough to relax.
I said that I always imagined that we would end up as platonic roommates when we were 50 and I would make him sandwiches and listen to all his funny antics – which he thought was cute. Actually, I really did like that idea- because it would take away the underlying obligations that a relationship brings that we couldn’t deliver for each other. And friendship is what relationships turn into anyway.
For my part, it's really disturbed my sleep for months since I came back from visiting him.
Now after trying to message in a friendly way during the coronavirus quarantine (er, I am very very bored) and being annoyed by his total lack of supportiveness, I've recently just told him that I don't want to be friends any more. Too painful. He says I have anger issues and I think he sees himself as an innocent victim.
Actually, if I'm honest, I've been pretty angry at a lot of people for a few years, so, maybe he has a point.
I guess I'm being a bit selfish. It's not really fair expecting anything from a self-confessed depressed, unwell person. He's "in his pit of despair" as he calls it for 6 months and he has zero interest in me. I'm utterly irrelevant to him. He's snippy, rude, ignores me, and then seems to offer a little bit of an olive branch in the smallest of ways.
Excuse the really long story, would be interested in any insight people have on this situation, particularly with respect to how you think he feels and why he acts the way he does. If I feel like I understand this situation then hopefully I can stop thinking about it, because for the past 10 years I've just had the odd nice thought every now and then about him- and would like that to become the status quo again.
submitted by clarejackson10 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

Strat for 50 - 100% a Year - Common Points, Example of Setup 3 and First Weeks Results.

Strat for 50 - 100% a Year - Common Points, Example of Setup 3 and First Weeks Results.
Part 1
Part 2

We're going to start this post with dealing with common heckles. Some people have heckled me already in this posting series. I know from having done things like this publicly a few times before there are catchphrase heckles to be dealt with, and we'll do this one and for all here. If I've linked you here, you've done a FMH (Frequently Made Heckle).
If you're not a heckler, you can skip the line break for the strategy stuff, but this section may still be interesting for you.
FMH 1 : Elliot wave does not work all the time.

I know. The clock in my living-room does not work all the time. If it tells me it's 2am and I look out and it's broad day light, I use some discerning judgement based on my experience of looking out of a window, and I suspect it may be incorrect. If it tells me it's 8.30am and I look out and see little kids with school bags walking past the window, I suspect the clock may have a point.

When I write all the rules and exceptions in my posts, I am not doing this to make the posts longer. These are rules and exceptions designed to describe situations when it probably is happening. Of course it does not "Always work". I am not say it does. Your assumption I have not thought through the same extraordinary simplistic, "But, what if ...." questions is either you under estimating me, over estimating you, or both.

FMH 2 : Fibs levels do not work, studies show it is as good as random.

Two points. Firstly, I've read some of these studies. These hypothetical things done by people who have never traded in the market and want to produce intellectual ideas about it. While reading through the method of the experiment it's apparent to me it won't work. I could save them some time if they call me and tell me their hypothesis;

"Nope. You'll lose about 20% a year doing that. Good general idea. Okay starting point, but you get fucked here, here and here. Work on that".
I will not value the opinion of someone paid to write papers on fibs over my experience being paid to trade them. I will not go out my way to try to get you to value my opinion. I've learned people will either test things I say and know the truth of them for their selves with me posting the amount of interesting evidence/results that I do, and others would not test it if I posted a million examples.

Point two. Not perfect does not mean not practical. Fib levels do not react absolutely perfectly. I suspect the reason for this is so many people use them to put stops behind these days. In days gone by, they were probably more accurate, but as stop clusters became more predictable and concentrated this change. Game theory sort of stuff. Read more about my thoughts on this here.

The thing is, for those who pay enough time and attention, there are patterns of when the fibs either do work very well, or "do not work" in the exact same way over and over again. If they do "not work" in the same way over and over, that's the same as working to me. I am looking for patterns to trade for profit. Not to compile a pretty chart of data points as to if price turned specifically on the 61.8 over a million samples.

FMH 3 - "Everything you're saying is wrong", "You're an idiot", "I am non-specifically and non-constructively disagreeing" (Yeah, people drop that last one, verbatim, all the time)

Pics, or it didn't happen. I am willing to "get up here" so to speak and succeed or fail in front of everyone. I'm posting what I do, and explaining all my rational. Results are being tracked. Time and continuity will display my outcomes. Is there a way you suggest you can provide stronger proof I am wrong that I am proposing to prove I am right?

If you're just saying you think I am stupid, because you know the market so much better than me my standard reply is as follows;

" If you'd like to propose, explain and track a strategy you think will outperform this we can both keep our records and that will best determine who's opinions have profitability. It seems something that would be good for the community. "

Pics or it didn't happen. Only analysts and economists are paid for opinions. My job demands a far more practical approach.

FMH 4 - "What REALLY happened with (insert news related thing) this and your guesses were just lucky".

If I said it would happen yesterday, then set trades for it happening and profited from them today; it does not matter to me the reason you give me for it tomorrow. If you choose to view the market as being like this, you may. If it ever does start to become more relevant to me making profits or not, I will pay attention to other things. Right now, I do not follow them closely and that has never mattered. Either I am consistently lucky, physic or right. Pick the flavor for you.

I will not engage in conversation on any of these points coming from a closed minded perspective. By which I mean you only commenting to tell me why you're right. If you feel someone has to add balance with these comments, go ahead. I encourage people to be scientific in their approach and having different viewpoints helps with this. Do your own experiments.

I will answer honest questions, and will gladly engage people who disagree with me and do so from the perspective of personal study. Usually we can both learn and teach if both of us have firsthand knowledge. This is rare, but enjoyable.

==================================================================================================

On to GBPUSD. As I said may be possible in the previous post, the trade for the bigger run up post Chicago was missed. This can happen. It's better to miss bad opportunities than squander good money on bad ones, and at the time I had the option of entering, there was no way to tell the difference between these - so I did nothing.

Later in the day price continued to be consistent with the formations of a spike pattern. Here I engaged the market.

GBPUSD 1 Minute

My entering pattern was to first open two small trades with a 13 pip stop. This was an emergency stop, I always planned to tighten it up (it'd only hit in the event of an immediate capitulation). The risk here was about 0.15%. When the market moved a bit lower, I entered more positions and having more data felt better about where to place stops. All stops went to 6 pips or less (bigger position, same starting risk).

As price reached the best level, I opened my largest trade. Stop went from 3 - 6 pips with big stops being 2 pips. Effective stop something like 3-4 pips. Targets hit for 10 - 12 pips, giving an effective pay off on risk just short of 1:3. I do not use aggressive position sizing in this part of the trade (usually it already carries made profits), so the net risk was low. Around 0.25%. Net gain in positions was 0.6%.

GBPUSD 1 min
From left to right the positions get bigger. Notice also the biggest position (low) takes profit a good bit before where I forecast the high (bulk close). This trade hitting should give assurance of breakeven on this trade, so the risk on capital is gone on this trade on a double top move, then profits accumulated in the breakout.

Results for the day;


https://preview.redd.it/96zq7cy1j9i31.png?width=821&format=png&auto=webp&s=d324348621a5c0931a90de207fe8aebb116f934d


Current Gain = 0.65%
Max risk exposure possible - 0.4%
Max real equity drawdown - < 0.2%

Due to not being entirely available for trading today this was a big under-performance of what the strategy could have achieved. It's been a decent example day to show the logistics of how the trades can form. To make 2 - 3% today with the same draw-down was possible.
submitted by whatthefx to Forex [link] [comments]

[LONG] My Story of Disillusionment with and Disappointment in the World and Myself

Intro.
This might be a long one. I hope someone reads the thing, I put like 3 hours into writing it. A brief story of my life and how it all led up to this moment, where I am disillusioned with my self-image, my life choices, and certain aspects of the world, and have no idea what to do next. Warning: this whole thing might be a little depressing to read.
Childhood.
I am a 20yo Russian male. During my childhood, I was made to believe that I am capable of doing something great and doing better than anyone. At the same time I developed a very non-conformist life stance and very often rejected things and ideas simply because they were too popular for my taste, and I couldn't feel special whilst enjoying them. Of course, in turn, society rejected me, as it does with anyone who doesn't play by the rules. Oh well.
My only redeeming quality was that I considered myself pretty smart. Which is even easier to assume, when at the same time you think that you're different from everyone else. Now, I know that to some extent, I was indeed smarter than most people in certain areas. Unlike most people I knew back then, often with bare minimum efforts I was able to maintain near perfect grades at school. I was also enjoying learning new things and reading more than an average person. So, let's just say, I had a basis to assume I was a smart dude.
I wasn't happy and content with my life, though. I never had real friends, because I only hung out with people when they were my classmates/roommates/co-workers, and after we parted ways, I rarely if ever contacted them afterwards. I always enjoyed doing things you usually do in solitude more, because when I was alone, I wouldn't be afraid that someone could hurt me for being different. Because of that, I was never in a romantic relationship.
High School.
Still, life was going okay. By the end of school, I kind of accepted my social deficiency and I wanted to focus on improving the world and become a successful person - for myself. I was facing a dilemma, though. Despite the fact that I was doing great in school, the idea of having to invest four years of my time into studying something really specific, and then having to work another 20-30 years on the same job was terrifying, because I had no idea what I liked to do! Nothing seemed interesting to me, I didn't have a passion for doing anything... Thanks to my video game addiction, which made me lazy as fuck, probably. I also needed to meet my criteria for success with my future job, which included being financially successful. I grew up in top 1% income family, so... I always felt the pressure to outperform or at least match my parents' income.
Enter trading. My dad discovered investing several years ago (we don't live in US, so most of the people aren't as financially savvy, so he never thought about investing before then). I was always curious about financial independence and markets, but now I was seeing it all done in front of me, I realized that it might be a good opportunity to make a lot of money and become successful without being socially adept, which is something absolutely required in business or politics. So, I asked my father to open a brokerage account for me in the US, and started swing trading (trading in weekly/monthly time frames). I could only trade slow and small because of the trade restrictions put on accounts <$25k and <21yo in the US. Still, it was going well, but in hindsight I was just lucky to be there during a great bull market.
Even before I thought trading and more importantly investing were the ways smart people make money. I thought simply because I was conventionally smart, I had a talent or an innate ability to pick innovative stocks and do venture investing when I grow some capital. I truly believed in that long before I was introduced to financial markets, I believed that my surface level understanding of multiple areas of cutting edge and emerging technology would give me an edge compared to all the other investors.
US Community College and Return Back.
In the end, I've decided I want to go to a US community college and study finance and become a trader and later an investor, but I didn't want to work for a fund or something like that (lazy ass). I wanted to use my knowledge and skill and my own money to grow my net worth and make a living. I didn't really like the process of trading, I just needed the money to live by while I was trying to figure out what else to do with my life. Because I thought I were smart, I thought this would come easily to me. Boy was I wrong. From the nicest of conditions in my hometown, I was suddenly moved into a foreign setting, on the other side of the planet away form my family and mates, with a video game addiction and laziness that ruined my daily routine and studying as well. The fact that I didn't like my major was not helping. My grades fell from A- in the first quarter to C+ in the last. I gained +30% from my normal weight. I was stressed out, not going outside and sitting at my computer desk for days at a time, skipping all the classes I could if they were not absolutely essential for my grades, living on prepared foods. I never got out of my shell and barely talked to anyone in English, all of my friends were Russian speaking. I wasted an opportunity to improve my speaking, although aside from that my English skills satisfy me.
By the end of community college, last summer, I was left with B grades that wouldn't let me transfer anywhere decent, and the extreme stress that I put myself through started taking a toll on my mental health. I was planning to take a break and go back to Russia for several months, and transfer back to a US uni this winter. Needless to say, you can't run from yourself. It didn't really become much better after a few months in Russia. I didn't want to study finance anymore, because it was boring and I was exhausted. I still had the video game addiction, still was lazy and gained some more extra pounds of weight. I was not sleeping at all, extremely sleep deprived for months. Because of this and lack of mental stimulation I started to become dumber. And all that was happening where I didn't really have to do anything: not study or work, just sit around the house and do whatever I wanted. Turns out, these conditions didn't help me to get out of the incoming depression.
Finally, around November, when I already sent out all of my transfer applications and already got some positive answers from several universities, I knew I didn't have much time left at home, and I had to leave soon. But I really, really didn't want to go back. It was scarier than the first time. I was afraid of new changes, I just wanted for the time to stop and letting me relax, heal... I was having suicidal thoughts and talked about it with my family and my therapist. They were all supportive and helped me as much as they could. But I was the only person who could really help myself. If I wanted to breathe freely, I had to admit defeat and not go back to the US to continue my education. It was extremely hard at first, but then I just let go. I decided to find a temporary job as an English tutor and give myself time to think. Then I remembered that I had a bunch of money in my trading account. I still thought that I was pretty smart, despite failing college, so I figured, why not try move it to Russian brokers who don't have trading restrictions, and do it full time? Which is exactly what I did. And I started to study trading all by myself at a fast pace. I was now trading full time and it was going sideways: +10% in December, -20% in January. Then, something incredible happened. I was already in a shitty place in life, but I still had some hope for my future. Things were about to get much worse. I'm in the late January, and I discovered for myself that the whole financial industry of the world was a fraud.
Brief Explanation of My Discoveries.
In the image of the financial industry, there are several levels of perceived credibility.
In the bottom tier, there is pure gambling. In my country, there were periods when binary options trading and unreliable Forex brokers were popular among common folk, but these were obvious and unsophisticated fraudsters who were one step away from being prosecuted. There are also cryptocurrencies that don't hold any value and are also used only for speculation/redistribution of wealth. There is also a wonderful gambling subreddit wallstreetbets where most users don't even try to hide the fact that what they are doing is pure gambling. I love it. But the thing is, this is trading/investing for the people who have no idea what it is, and most people discredit it as a fraud, which it, indeed, is. These examples are 99% marketing/public image and 1% finance. But these offer x10-1000 returns in the shortest time span. Typical get-rich-quick schemes, but they attract attention.
Then, there is trading tier. You can have multiple sub levels here, in the bottom of this tier we would probably have complex technical analysis (indicators) and daily trading/scalping. I was doing this in the DecembeJanuary. At the top would be people who do fundamental analysis (study financial reports) and position trade (monthly time frames). Now, there is constant debate in the trading community whether technical analysis or fundamental analysis is better. I have a solid answer to the question. They work in the same way. Or rather, they don't work at all.
You'd ask: "Why you didn't discover this earlier? You were in this financial thing for several years now!" Well, you see, unlike on the previous level, here millions of people say that they actually believe trading works and there is a way to use the available tools to have great returns. Some of these people actually know that trading doesn't work, but they benefit from other traders believing in it, because they can sell them courses or take brokerage fees from them. Still, when there are millions around you telling you that it works, even a non-conformist like me would budge. Not that many people actually participate in the markets, so I thought that by being in this minority made me smart and protected from fraudsters. Lol. All it took for me to discover the truth is to accidentally discover that some technical indicators give random results, do a few google searches, reach some scientific studies which are freely available and prove that technical and fundamental analysis don't work. It was always in front of me, but the fucking trading community plugged my ears and closed my eyes shut so I wasn't able to see it. Trading usually promises 3-15% gain a month.
A huge shock, but surely there was still a way for me to work this out? Active investing it is!
The next level, active investing, is different from trading. You aim for 15-50% yearly returns, but you don't have to do as much work. You hold on to stocks of your choice for years at a time, once in a while you study the markets, re balance your portfolio, etc. Or you invest your money in a fund, that will select the stocks of their choice and manage their and your portfolio for you. For a small fee of course. All of these actions are aimed at trying to outperform the gain the market made as a whole, and so called index funds, which invest in basically everything and follow the market returns - about 7-10% a year. And if I ever had any doubts in trading, I firmly believed that active investing works since I was a little kid (yes I knew about it back then). And this is where the real fraud comes in.
The whole Wall Street and every broker, every stock exchange in the world are a part of a big fraud. Only about 10-20% of professional fund managers outperform the market in any 15 year period. If you take 30 years, this dwindles to almost nothing, which means that no one can predict the markets. These people have no idea what they are doing. Jim Cramer is pure show-business and has no idea what's going on. Warren Buffet gained his fortune with pure luck, and for every Buffet there are some people who made only a million bucks and countless folks who lost everything.
Wall Street. They have trillions of dollars and use all that money and power and marketing to convince you that there is a way to predict where the stocks are going without being a legal insider or somehow abusing the law. They will make you think you can somehow learn from them where to invest your money on your own or they will make you believe that you should just give it to them and they will manage it for you, because they know how everything works and they can predict the future using past data.
They won't. They don't. They can't. There are studies and statistics to prove it countless times over the span of a 100 years. But they will still charge you exchange fees, brokerage fees and management fees anyway. And they also manipulate certain studies, lobby where and when they need it, and spread misinformation on an unprecedented scale, creating a positive image of themselves. And everyone falls for that. Billions of people around the globe still think it's all legit.
Passive index investing is the last level. You just put your money in the market and wait. Markets will go up at a predetermined rate. If there's a crisis, in 10 years no one will even remember. Markets always go up in the end. But passive index investing can only give you only 7% inflation-adjusted returns a year. Not enough to stop working or even retire early, unless you have a high-paying job in a first-world country. I don't.
Despite all that, to put it simply, this is the only type of investing that works and doesn't involve any kind of fraud or gambling. It's the type of investing that will give you the most money. If you want to know why it is like that and how to do it, just go to financialindependence. They know this stuff better than any other sub. Better than investing, trading or any other sub where non-passive-index investing is still discussed as viable strategy.
Back to me.
My whole being was fucked over, my hopes and dreams and understanding of success and how this world works were shattered. I realized, I had no future in financial industry, because only middlemen make money in there, and I quit college needed to get there. Frankly, I wouldn't want to work there even if I had the opportunity. The pay is good, but the job is boring and I wouldn't want to be a part of this giant scheme anyway. But even if I wanted to go back, I also couldn't. Russia is in a worsening crisis and my parents could no longer afford a US university and now with coronavirus it's even worse. Good thing I quit before it all happened. I learned a valuable lesson and didn't lose that much money for it (only about 10% of my savings). God knows where it would lead me if I continued to be delusional. But now that my last temporary plans for the future were scrapped, I had no idea what to do next.
The future.
With the reality hitting me, I would lie if I say it didn't all come full circle and connect to my past. I realized that I was stupid and not intelligent, because I was living in a made-up world for years now. But even if I were intelligent, pure wit would not give me the success and fortune that I was craving, because trading and active investing were a no-go for me, and business/politics require a very different, extroverted mindset, different education and interest from my own. My only redeeming quality in a hopeless introvert world, my perceived intelligence was taken away from me and rendered useless at the same time.
Besides, failing at that one thing made me insecure about everything and now I think of myself as an average individual. So, if 8 out of 10 businesses fail, I shouldn't start one because I will probably fail. And if most politicians don't get anywhere, why should I bother? If average salary in my country is X, I shouldn't hope for more. I stopped believing in my ability to achieve something. First, I failed at education and now I failed... Professionally? I don't know how to describe it, but my life recently was just an emotional roller coaster. I just feel like a very old person and all I want calmness and stability in my life. I was very lazy before just because, but now I feel like I also don't want to do anything because I feel I would just fail. It feels better now I don't have to worry about trading anymore and I got rid of that load... But I am still miserable and perhaps worse than ever, maybe I just don't understand and feel it because I've become slow and numb. The only positive thing that happened to me recently, is that I finally started losing weight and about 1/4 of the way back to my normal weight.
As for my future, am looking at several possibilities here. So far the parents are allowing my miserable life to continue and they let me live with them and buy me food. I don't need anything else right now. But it can't go on like this forever. The thought of having a mundane low-paying job in this shithole of a country depresses me. I will probably temporarily do English tutoring if there's demand for such work. My old school friends want me to help them in their business and my dad wants me to help him in his, I and probably should, but I feel useless, pathetic and incapable of doing anything of value. And business just seems boring, difficult and too stressful for me right now. Just not my cup of tea.
I am also looking at creative work. I love video games, music, films and other forms of art. I love the games most though, so I am looking into game dev. I don't really like programming, I have learned some during school years, but the pay would probably be higher for a programmer than an creator of any kind of art. However, I think I would enjoy art creation much more, but I don't have any experience in drawing and only some limited experience in music production. And I am not one of these kids who always had a scrapbook with them at school. Having to make another life choice paralyzes me. I am leaning towards art. I don't feel confident in my ability to learn this skill from scratch, but I think it's my best shot at finding a job that would make me happy.
So perhaps, when this whole pandemic is over, I'll go to Europe and get my degree, get a job there and stay. American Dream is dead to me, and Europe is cheaper, closer, safe and comfortable. Just the thing for a person who feels like they are thrice their real age.
Outro.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Special thanks if you read the whole thing, it means a whole lot to me, an internet stranger. But even if no one reads it, feels good to get this off my chest. I actually cried during writing some parts. Holy shit, this might be the longest and smartest looking thing my dumbed down head could manage to generate since college. I hope that you're having a great day. Stay healthy and be careful during this fucking pandemic. All the best.
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